Adopting!

 Wow, the last time I wrote on this blog I was prepping for surgery on my uterus to try to improve fertility in hopes that we could become pregnant.  Sooooo, let’s do some catching up since that was almost 3 years ago!!!!

 So we ended up doing IVF and it was a big fat failure.   We actually were pretty traumatized from the whole experience.   I hated the place we ended up at.  The staff was so condescending to me, it was just an awful horrible experience that cost us thousands and yielded no results.  We were devastated.   I was a wreck.  During this time our family members on each side were getting pregnant and growing their families as well as friends.  It felt like the reminder of what we couldn’t achieve was everywhere.   The line between joy and grief is a blurry one.  One I had to work very very hard to navigate.  So we decided no more ivf, we wouldn’t continue to pour money into something that was so unsuccessful - how unsuccessful you may ask???? - well most the time you end up with embryos from IVF and then you transfer them in hopes they implant and you become pregnant.  Well we didn’t end up with an egg that would even fertilize.  Sooo yea.  

  So what have we been doing for three years?  Well, medicated cycles, diets, home remedies, lots of prayer.  All the things and most of all - trying to heal.  Infertility wounds a part of your heart so deeply that people can be aware you’re hurting and struggling but the truth is - unless you’ve been there - you can’t understand how deeply you hurt.  How you can smile and play with kids and then get in the car and sob the whole way home.  It’s very isolating and lonely.   We did get pregnant in Jan 2022 and I had positive pregnancy tests for two weeks.  It was heaven.  Right when we were getting ready to tell everyone I miscarried.   Life sure can beat you up.   One thing I’m so thankful for is what this has done to Jake and i’s marriage.  It kills me to think infertility can cause divorce.  I feel so lucky to have Jake.  We have grown closer thru this process.  I say it all the time but it rings true ‘im so thankful for my Jake’.  Geesh, I looooove that man. 

  Sooo there’s a very fast catch up… now let’s get to what’s happening now!!

    Last summer Jake and I took a trip to Colorado and we talked about the possibility of adopting.  We decided we would start saving money and try a few other medical things and see where we were at come the new year.  The new year approached and still not pregnant.  After a lot of prayer we finally decided in March to find an agency.   We have started working with a local agency and our application has been approved!!!  We are now working thru the INSANE amounts of paperwork for our home study!  As soon as the paper work is done (they give you three months to complete the paper work) we will begin our home study… after home study is complete we will go ‘active’ and start looking for a birth mom.  

  We announced last weekend and a lot of people asked if were already matched, no we aren’t.  We are still early in the process but we are excited.  And for the first time we feel hopeful this will give us a family.  A sign read ‘no bump but still pumped!  We are adopting!!!  Baby Johnson coming soon’… but we didn’t want to mislead people… we are still searching for baby Johnson.  Ha.  With that said, our agency also down private adoptions… so if there is anyone reading this that knows a birth mom wanting to place her child for adoption please prayerfully consider reaching out to Jake and I.  We have a fundraiser we are planning for June that I will get out more info on in the coming weeks but more than anything we need prayer.  This is exciting and scary and intimidating but we definitely feel it’s where god is leading us.   When you have heard ‘no’ for over 4 years it’s easy to get paranoid and fearful that this process won’t work for us either… but all we can do is close our eyes and walk by faith!   The outpouring of love has been overwhelming.   We cannot wait to be parents!  Thankyou for all your support!  We love you!

Unfair.

 As I mentioned in my previous entry, ivf is a lot of waiting.  Waiting after you have been waiting.   If you go to a fertility dr it’s  because you have ALREADY spent a lot of time WAITING.  Well I’ve been on birth control and today was my sonohystogram, basically where they check my uterus and make sure I’m ready to carry a baby so we can continue on as planned.   This is one of the first big things.  One of the things I’ve waited for.   I imagined how it would feel walking out of the drs office after hearing that everything looked perfect and ‘all systems were go’.  I had the dates in my head, I was ready.   I AM ready.  I also envisioned something being wrong, I was fearful something wouldn’t be right, but I tried to listen to those around me assuring me that things would be perfect unfortunately today my body, once again, failed me.

Can I take a second to say how frustrating that is?  How insanely irritating and devastating it is when your body won’t allow you the desires of your heart.   When your body doesn’t agree with your heart.  It’s soul crushing.  

   So my uterus is not ready for babies.   In fact, my uterus has enough wrong with it that my body would abort any baby that tried to stick.   This changes the timeline.  Our schedule remains the same, ivf medications, a million shots, ultrasounds and blood draws and then in mid to end of July, we will have an egg retrieval.   After that everything changes from our original plan.  Originally we were planning on a ‘fresh’ transfer just 5 ish days after retrieval, Which would have made me pregnant by my 35th birthday.  Something I just had set my heart on, shame on me for thinking I had any control at all in infertility.   Because of the condition of my uterus we will have to freeze every embryo we get, I will have a surgery to remove the problems and repair and then we will start the medications and shots for a transfer, I’m not sure how long that takes.  To be honest, my mind is still processing.  I know this isn’t the end of the road.   I know that we weren’t told we couldn’t move forward…  we were just told that more has to be done before we cross the finish line.   

It’s frustrating.  It’s heartbreaking and at the end of the day I always find myself in the same place :

‘Why is it so easy for some people?’

I don’t know, it just is I guess.  And it’s just not for me.  In the words of my mom… ‘it just is what it is’

I’m discouraged but I know this isn’t the end.  Infertility is just so cruel and unfair.  It’s just the road I’m on right now.  

the waiting game.

 waiting.

gross.

patience. 

ew.

    I remember being a teenager and going to church camp.  Oh, church camp.... the place where you recommit your life to Jesus all while searching eagerly for your future spouse.   I loved church camp (ha).   I remember a time in my youth where I felt as if every leader, mentor or pastor would talk about one thing... patience.  The fruit of the spirit.... a true virtue.

wait on the Lord and He will renew your strength.

      I remember praying for patience.... yea... you heard me... praying for patience... telling Jesus I wanted to be a patient person.... oh man, If i could only go back 20 years (wow, thats a looong time) and tell young Brooke to pray for blessings instead.   Not that I haven't received an abundance of blessings in my life, because I absolutely have... But Jesus definitely heard that prayer and granted it.   You see, when you pray for patience God doesn't just grant you that virtue... we know this.... He instead, gives us situations that require patience...  He gives us opportunities to become patient... it sucks.  

     He Gives Strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

    waiting is hard... waiting can be lonely... waiting can be frustrating and heartbreaking.   Waiting can be terrifying.

    I am a 34 year old woman who has spent most of her life waiting,  I couldn't wait to drive.   I couldn't wait to date, I couldn't wait to graduate... and dont even get me started on the husband... if you're reading this, then you probably know me.... and if you know me or ever knew me... you KNOW i waited on a husband.   And guess what?  Spending my time waiting didn't make time go by quicker.  Fixating on what I didn't have didn't inspire me, it discouraged me.   It didn't push me, it weighed me down.  Waiting the way I was waiting never left me feeling full or blessed, I lived a life not content, in fact contentment was a foreign idea.   I look back and can think of a million little things I missed out on in life and things God was trying to show me because I was so discontent in my waiting.

    When Jake and I got married I couldnt wait to get pregnant.   I told my friends and family that if I wasnt "super" pregnant by my birthday then I didnt even want to celebrate (sometimes I can be a little dramatic).  We had been trying for 6 months when I sobbed hysterically into a towel on the kitchen floor because i wasnt pregnant yet.   So, basically I am saying that I have had a million opportunities to be patient... and yet here I am... clearly lacking in the area, but I dont want to be that person anymore... in fact.. over the last few months I have felt that person slowly fading away, thankyou Jesus.  

    When Jake and I found out we would have to do IVF my first concern was how long it would take.  Turns out, IVF isnt a quick fix... its something that requires.... you guessed it... patience.   Lots of waiting... waiting for your cycle to start, waiting for your eggs to grow, waiting for the retrieval and embryo results, waiting to see if you get pregnant from it... then waiting 9 months to hold your baby.... the waiting game never ends.

    I recently joined a bible study at my church and we are going thru the book of Ruth.  what a story of waiting....  Waiting in uncertainty, waiting in grief,  waiting without hope....  can you relate?   But look at the blessings that came from FAITHFUL waiting.

TRUSTFUL WAITING.  HOPEFUL WAITING.  

"But those who wait on the Lord will RENEW their strength, they will SOAR on wings like eagles; they will RUN and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."  Isaiah 40:31

It doesnt say "those who wait on the Lord will get what they want."  or "God will answer your prayers if you wait".   It says He will renew your strength IN the waiting.  waiting makes you strong.  Im learning that if I bring God into my waiting and cling tightly to His hand, then he will give me strength for WHATEVER happens.   He is a good and faithful God.  I can trust Him.  His faithfulness doesnt depend or rely on me at all.  He is faithful, period, thankyou Jesus.

In a couple weeks I'll start medications for IVF and then we will have a few months of waiting, we dont know what to expect... it can be so nerve racking and intimidating.. it can be so discouraging that people "accidently" get pregnant all the time and yet here we are, having to jump through all these hoops at our chance for a family...   But I know God will use this time to mold Jake and I, and ya know what?  Im going to let Him.   Im going to stop waiting in discontent and live in the present moment, soaking up what Jesus is telling me TODAY.  I know I can trust Him.

     

1 in 8

 From the time I could play doll I wanted to be a mom.  A wife and a mom.  I was the Barbie that got married and had a baby the next.   I never dreamt of having a career or being in any other field other than a mom.  Being a wife and having babies - It’s all I’ve ever wanted.

  So, you can imagine my excitement when I met, dated, got engaged and married the good looking, absolute GEM Of a man, Jake Johnson.  I was thrilled to be a wife and so excited to start a family.  I was ecstatic when I got a positive pregnancy test after one month - everything was going according to plan - but sadly that pregnancy ended as quickly as it was discovered.   I was pretty shattered but thought it wouldn’t take long for another pregnancy and I wanted to move forward but month after month after  month it was negative.  

Infertility.  I thought I was exempt from it because of the ‘child bearing’ hips and high fertility that ran through my family.   Yet, here I was... newlywed, 6 months into trying and no baby.  I itched to get to the fertility specialist.  I saw my ob and he assured me it would happen if I relaxed and instructed us to try a full year, after that he would recommend us to a fertility specialist.   

Time feels like a ticking time bomb when your trying to concieve.   Every month feels like a failure, it kind of ruins everything.  I was grieving, depressed, unhealthy, anxious, defeated.  You name it.  This was my biggest fear.  After a year we went to the specialist.  After a bunch of tests, blood work, ultrasounds and money we were given our results.  It was right before Christmas.  

 2% chance of natural pregnancy.  

2.   

And the issue is not Jake.  The issue is me.  Our best bet is ivf.  Merry Christmas.

     I hid away and cried for... what felt like a long time.  I didn’t want to be apart of this group.  I certainly didn’t want anyone to know.   After a couple weeks we decided to start ivf.   I went in for my baseline ultrasound in February to begin and got the worst case of nerves I’ve ever had, I knew I needed a second opinion so we cancelled our round and took three months off infertility stuff and waited on an appointment At a different clinic for a second opinion.   I prayed over and over God would heal my body in those months and this whole thing would just be a false alarm - but, as expected - our results remained the same.  My peace however, was very different    I felt immediately that we found the place that would help us in our dream of a family.  

After a lot of praying we decided to start ivf.   We have our ivf class in two weeks and we are hopeful to start a may ivf round.   Over and over God has shown himself in ways I have never experienced. 

     This isn’t the story I wanted, this isn’t how I wanted to bring babies into the world, but this is my reality.   And I want it to also be my testimony.  God is faithful and unchanging.  His grace is sufficient in times of need.  I’m amazed by His goodness in the midst of a lot of bad.  I know I can trust Him.   We would appreciate all of the prayers as we start down the journey of ivf and as we share our journey.   

When it all falls apart.

I never thought I would write on here again, especially over the last 2 years, life has been too messy to write about.  Where do I even begin?  How do I even catch up?  Then I decided to use it as therapy and that means I make the rules ha.  So while I‘m happy to entertain a bit-  this ones for me.  

February 2019.    Her cancer is back.  I’m in Olathe working and my boyfriend at the time is over. It’s Monday.  We are supposed to have small group but I get a phone call that moms cancer is back and it’s bad so I stay home.  I sob in bed.  My best friend and her husband come by, Jake doesn’t leave my side.  Something feels scary.  Unknown.  I’m terrified and confused.  I call work and ask for the day off to get to Omaha to see her.  Leah (boss) was amazing.  Offered to give me the full week but I didn’t think it was necessary.  I would go see mom for a day, spend the night, go back to kc to work and then come back to Omaha Friday for the weekend.  We were told she would start chemo but would go home Friday.  The future was scary but there was a plan in place.   I remember sitting in bed that night after hearing the cancer was back.   I feared everything. Things I shouldn’t have feared yet.  Cancer wasn’t acceptable and I couldn’t accept it.  cancer - again?  She beat it once but can she do it again?  She hasn’t felt well in months.  Is this all It? How did her dr not find it?  Worst dr ever.   She was in the drs constantly.  Enlarged heart - low iron, the flu... but never cancer.   Finally a trip to the er exposes cancer - everywhere?  My mind couldn’t accept it. 

I drove in the snow to get to her the next day, once I got there she was in a procedure so she wasn’t in the room when I got there.   I don’t know how long I was there.  I know I went into her bathroom and threw up (not sure anyone knows that ha).  Being back in a hospital for her made me sick to my stomach.   I remember them wheeling her in on her bed.  She saw me and smiled very faintly - she was exhausted.  But she saw me. 

  ‘Brookey, you’re here! Oh you didn’t have to come sis’. 

I hugged her.  I cried.  I sat.  The rest of the day is a blur. I can’t tell her what we did all day but I can tell you how my last night with my mama went.  

Everyone had left and she wanted to shower so

I offered to help her.  I washed her hair that had turned so

Gray but beautiful.   I scrubbed and massaged her head and helped her wash up.   I was dating Jake and she asked a lot of questions.   Unfortunately we talked a lot of small Talk, she was so tired.   I got her dressed and into her pajamas and a blew dried her hair and brushed it.  Helped her get into bed and put lotion on her feet and socks over. 

 She told me she loved me.  I didn’t know it was the last time.  I kissed her forehead - I didn’t know it was the last time.   

I hugged her and breathed her in, I didn’t know it was the last time.  

‘Sis, I’m going home Friday and I want you to come back Friday and bring Jake and I want to spend the weekend together’

    

                ‘Okay mama’

   

We hugged and said goodbye.  I didn’t know it would be the last.  There were other memories that are a blur.  I bought baby clothes she hated lol.  We sang worship around her.  I danced.  She talked about Jake loving the crazy sides of me.  She looked at dad a lot.  She slept.  She told

Me she didn’t think this cancer would kill her.  There are bits and pieces jumbled in my mind about that day.  But the thing that sticks out the most is how I had no idea it was ‘the last’.  Oh the things I would have said instead.  I would have crawled into her bed and wrapped Myself in my mama if I had known.    Her hair was more gray than I had seen it. Her room felt huge.  She had her bible and devotional by her bed. She was beautiful.   As I continue to write about my grief I’ll talk about the day she left us and the roller

Coasts of emotion I’ve been on since then - but today I’m

Just getting my feet wet.  I’m hopeful that writing this out will help me process my grief and possibly walk along people going thru the same thing.  

What I wouldn’t give to be in her arms, to know she was coming to visit, to FaceTime her or even to be back in the room with her - just one last time.   

Where two or more are gathered.

So, I was raised in a Christian home.  I can't remember a time in my life where we didn't pray before our meals.  We even have a family prayer... Yeah, you heard me right.  A family prayer!  Is that normal?  I have often wondered if its normal.   So do me a favor and if you have a family prayer then commen and tell me... Seriously :) I'm curious.
      Anyways... We have a family prayer... That's started with I thiiiink my great grandparents.  I could be wrong about that.  But we say it before meals.  Growing up it was the norm for us kids.  However it did make inviting a friend over for dinner slightly awkward, ha.  This is how it goes:
Ahhhheeeemmm.....
 
     Dear lord, we thank thee for our care, the food we eat and the clothes we wear.  Be present with us everywhere.  Amen.

    That's it.  Simple, easy, to the point. I like it.  Anyways, allll of that to say this.  I grew up praying. Prayers have been a part of my everyday.  My moms prayers are comforting and nurturing. My dads prayers are powerful and honest.  I always loved hearing them pray.  When I was a child they calmed me down before bed and mad sit easier to fall asleep in spite of this e monsters under my bed... :). As a teenager they kept me rooted when my heart wanted to rebel, I know y'all think I'm perfect but I had some rebellion in the day. :). And as an adult the prayers of my parents is something I seek, I ask for when times are hard.  They are something I rely on.

    Y'all know I'm living with my grandparents right now and taking care of them.  They are 89 and 90 years old.  Grandpa was in a car accident in August where he broke his neck and since then they have just needed a little extra help.  That help has come from their eight children for the last six months (which by itself is incredible... God has blessed me with such wonderful aunts and uncles).  But now they need the help of someone else so I volunteered.  I didn't feel pressured or obligated at all.  I didn't feel pushed in a corner .  I didn't do it to look good, to please my parents or any other reason other than I genuinely love them.  And selfishly, I have missed them.  I grew up down the street from them and have missed them while they have lived in Tennessee for the last 5 years.  I have enough memories of them to write a book.  I adore them.  They are simply the best people.  And they, as I mentioned in a previous blog, are my heritage.   I find it only necessary, as well as the biggest honor of my life so far, to be here with them.  Honestly, truly, from my heart.  I'm honored.


       Living with them I have been able to pray with them.  Stinking' unreal.  These people don't pray like normal people.  They don't wait till dinner time and close there eyes and say a prayer... They speak to The Lord constantly thru the day.  They call out his name.  They truly live in relationship with their God.  It's inspiring.  I have a monitor in my room so in case they need me they can just speak into the monitor and it wakes me up.

I have something to admit.     ------        I love that monitor.

   I love the songs  that come thru that monitor.  This is my favorite right now,,, sing along if you know it.

And I thank god for the lighthouse,  I owe my life to Him, for Jesus is the lighthouse, and from the rocks of sin, He as shown a light around me that I could clearly see.  If it wasn't for at lighthouse, where would my ship be?

Or the song that will forever remind me of my grandpa:

I'd rather have Jesus, then silver or gold,
I'd rather have Him then have riches untold.
I'd rather have Jesus then houses or land,
I'd rather be led by His nail pierced hands.

   And to hear them pray.  It's beautiful.

  Ill roll over in the middle of the night and possibly hear my grandpa rolling over at the same time.  He has been so sick recently and in so much pain.  Can I tell you that he has never once complained? Never once been a bad mood, never told me to stop talking to him (even though I'm sure he's been tempted). But instead I can just hear that aged, farmer boy, hard working voice call out 'Jesus, oh Jesus... Jesus......'


       I'm not sure which has rocked my world more this last week, hearing them pray or watching them physically live out what they pray.  My grandma is constantly saying 'thank you Jesus... Thankyou Jesus.'  All day long.


    My mom reached out to my grandparents church here in tn to see if some people could come pray for them and anoint them.  A crowd showed up and they did so.  There's a video on my Facebook page of it.  Sweetest thing.  My grandpa has felt so much better.  His heart is better.  He is talking and smiling.  And it's because of prayer.  It's because the gospel really is true.

   Where two or more are gathered in His name.. he will be there.

 I'm so glad.  I'm so thankful for that promise.   Everyday is precious and wonderful with them.  I know I'm supposedly here to help them... But let me tell ya people.  They are helping me.

They are changing my life.

   

Heritage

First of all I want to apologize for the serious blog posts.  I know it's not entirely like me, but I have to say that being here in Tennessee it comes natural to reflect.   My days here are mostly quiet, the house is out in the country with very little around it.  The woods are in the backyard.  It's peaceful.          I'm also spending time with my grandparents who I have been very close to my whole life.  They are getting older and I'm realizing how precious every moment is.  I've been putting in lots of mental book marks trying to remember faces, smiles, laughs and quotes.  So you'll have to bear with me if my posts seem dramatic, emotional, serious, or whatever.....  I've been in kinda a dramatic, emotional, serious (ok, not really that serious) kinda girl.  Love it or leave it people.... But please love it.

     I wanted to talk about heritage....not my dads church... Even though I love that place. (CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?). But the heritage that comes from family.   A few years back my family was here in Tennessee for thanksgiving.  We were having thanksgiving dinner and going around the table saying what we were thankful for and my cousin Doug said he was thankful for his heritage.  The words barely left his mouth before he had to choke back tears.  It was a noticeable mental book mark in my mind because it was obviously so meaningful to him.  A year or so later his mom (my aunt) mentioned the same thing, being thankful for her heritage at my grandparents 70th anniversary.   Our heritage.
 
    I've spent a few days with the centerpiece to my heritage.  Paul and Marge.  A few things have stuck out to me about these two.

   they love each other.  My parents are in love and I have been privileged enough to witness a true, whole hearted, Christ centered love my whole life.... But a couple that Met at 11, married at 18 and are still together 70 years later is a whole new ball game.  They are each others life.  They are best friends.  They are their family.  There is no one in this world that my grandpa loves more.  And same for grams, she loves, worries, trusts, honors, respects and cares for grandpa so much.

    Their bodies are older, their minds are tired at times, but their feet are always planted on that solid rock.  I try to pray with grams every night before she falls asleep.  Man I love praying near that woman.  She talks to The Lord like someone who has been doing it for 90 years.  Her prayers are beautiful.  They are humble, thankful, honest prayers.  She loves The Lord so much.  They play a piano cd every night that plays on repeat as they sleep.  Ill never hear songs like 'id rather have Jesus' or 'the lighthouse' again without thinking of them.

 

       I have spent a lot of time watching my grandpa today, he's not feeling his best today (pray for him?)and I can tell by looking at him that he is processing and thinking... There is a lot going on up in that mind of his.  My whole life I have been intimidated by him.  He is tall, with huge hands and feet.  He is a worker... Always building or fixing something.  He is stoic, quiet, hard to read (if you know my brother brandon, imagine that just bigger and older).  With that said he is also the most warm, sweet, awnery, sarcastic, loving and thankful man you'll ever meet.
      Even with their bodies hurting they are so grateful.  And even more importantly they are trusting. They are trusting The Lord with everything.  They are thankful for their blessings and at 90 years old still desire the lords will for their life.
 
     I gotta tell you that my prayer is to be like that.  To love god like that.  To not even think of an alternative way to live for one second other than fully trusting in the one that created me.

    I want to love and trust god like Paul and I want to love my husband one day like Margie.
 
  I can see my heritage when I look at them.  I'm a fire cracker sometimes like my grandma can sometimes be and  I'm a nurturer like her.  I move my feet when I'm still.... just like my grandpa.  I also can be stubborn like him.  All the things that make me who I am come from my parents and my mom came from them so they have a big role in the person I have become.  I'm proud to be theirs.  Apart of their family and story.

  And.......    I'm so proud of them.