As I mentioned in my previous entry, ivf is a lot of waiting. Waiting after you have been waiting. If you go to a fertility dr it’s because you have ALREADY spent a lot of time WAITING. Well I’ve been on birth control and today was my sonohystogram, basically where they check my uterus and make sure I’m ready to carry a baby so we can continue on as planned. This is one of the first big things. One of the things I’ve waited for. I imagined how it would feel walking out of the drs office after hearing that everything looked perfect and ‘all systems were go’. I had the dates in my head, I was ready. I AM ready. I also envisioned something being wrong, I was fearful something wouldn’t be right, but I tried to listen to those around me assuring me that things would be perfect unfortunately today my body, once again, failed me.
Can I take a second to say how frustrating that is? How insanely irritating and devastating it is when your body won’t allow you the desires of your heart. When your body doesn’t agree with your heart. It’s soul crushing.
So my uterus is not ready for babies. In fact, my uterus has enough wrong with it that my body would abort any baby that tried to stick. This changes the timeline. Our schedule remains the same, ivf medications, a million shots, ultrasounds and blood draws and then in mid to end of July, we will have an egg retrieval. After that everything changes from our original plan. Originally we were planning on a ‘fresh’ transfer just 5 ish days after retrieval, Which would have made me pregnant by my 35th birthday. Something I just had set my heart on, shame on me for thinking I had any control at all in infertility. Because of the condition of my uterus we will have to freeze every embryo we get, I will have a surgery to remove the problems and repair and then we will start the medications and shots for a transfer, I’m not sure how long that takes. To be honest, my mind is still processing. I know this isn’t the end of the road. I know that we weren’t told we couldn’t move forward… we were just told that more has to be done before we cross the finish line.
It’s frustrating. It’s heartbreaking and at the end of the day I always find myself in the same place :
‘Why is it so easy for some people?’
I don’t know, it just is I guess. And it’s just not for me. In the words of my mom… ‘it just is what it is’
I’m discouraged but I know this isn’t the end. Infertility is just so cruel and unfair. It’s just the road I’m on right now.
