Unfair.

 As I mentioned in my previous entry, ivf is a lot of waiting.  Waiting after you have been waiting.   If you go to a fertility dr it’s  because you have ALREADY spent a lot of time WAITING.  Well I’ve been on birth control and today was my sonohystogram, basically where they check my uterus and make sure I’m ready to carry a baby so we can continue on as planned.   This is one of the first big things.  One of the things I’ve waited for.   I imagined how it would feel walking out of the drs office after hearing that everything looked perfect and ‘all systems were go’.  I had the dates in my head, I was ready.   I AM ready.  I also envisioned something being wrong, I was fearful something wouldn’t be right, but I tried to listen to those around me assuring me that things would be perfect unfortunately today my body, once again, failed me.

Can I take a second to say how frustrating that is?  How insanely irritating and devastating it is when your body won’t allow you the desires of your heart.   When your body doesn’t agree with your heart.  It’s soul crushing.  

   So my uterus is not ready for babies.   In fact, my uterus has enough wrong with it that my body would abort any baby that tried to stick.   This changes the timeline.  Our schedule remains the same, ivf medications, a million shots, ultrasounds and blood draws and then in mid to end of July, we will have an egg retrieval.   After that everything changes from our original plan.  Originally we were planning on a ‘fresh’ transfer just 5 ish days after retrieval, Which would have made me pregnant by my 35th birthday.  Something I just had set my heart on, shame on me for thinking I had any control at all in infertility.   Because of the condition of my uterus we will have to freeze every embryo we get, I will have a surgery to remove the problems and repair and then we will start the medications and shots for a transfer, I’m not sure how long that takes.  To be honest, my mind is still processing.  I know this isn’t the end of the road.   I know that we weren’t told we couldn’t move forward…  we were just told that more has to be done before we cross the finish line.   

It’s frustrating.  It’s heartbreaking and at the end of the day I always find myself in the same place :

‘Why is it so easy for some people?’

I don’t know, it just is I guess.  And it’s just not for me.  In the words of my mom… ‘it just is what it is’

I’m discouraged but I know this isn’t the end.  Infertility is just so cruel and unfair.  It’s just the road I’m on right now.  

the waiting game.

 waiting.

gross.

patience. 

ew.

    I remember being a teenager and going to church camp.  Oh, church camp.... the place where you recommit your life to Jesus all while searching eagerly for your future spouse.   I loved church camp (ha).   I remember a time in my youth where I felt as if every leader, mentor or pastor would talk about one thing... patience.  The fruit of the spirit.... a true virtue.

wait on the Lord and He will renew your strength.

      I remember praying for patience.... yea... you heard me... praying for patience... telling Jesus I wanted to be a patient person.... oh man, If i could only go back 20 years (wow, thats a looong time) and tell young Brooke to pray for blessings instead.   Not that I haven't received an abundance of blessings in my life, because I absolutely have... But Jesus definitely heard that prayer and granted it.   You see, when you pray for patience God doesn't just grant you that virtue... we know this.... He instead, gives us situations that require patience...  He gives us opportunities to become patient... it sucks.  

     He Gives Strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

    waiting is hard... waiting can be lonely... waiting can be frustrating and heartbreaking.   Waiting can be terrifying.

    I am a 34 year old woman who has spent most of her life waiting,  I couldn't wait to drive.   I couldn't wait to date, I couldn't wait to graduate... and dont even get me started on the husband... if you're reading this, then you probably know me.... and if you know me or ever knew me... you KNOW i waited on a husband.   And guess what?  Spending my time waiting didn't make time go by quicker.  Fixating on what I didn't have didn't inspire me, it discouraged me.   It didn't push me, it weighed me down.  Waiting the way I was waiting never left me feeling full or blessed, I lived a life not content, in fact contentment was a foreign idea.   I look back and can think of a million little things I missed out on in life and things God was trying to show me because I was so discontent in my waiting.

    When Jake and I got married I couldnt wait to get pregnant.   I told my friends and family that if I wasnt "super" pregnant by my birthday then I didnt even want to celebrate (sometimes I can be a little dramatic).  We had been trying for 6 months when I sobbed hysterically into a towel on the kitchen floor because i wasnt pregnant yet.   So, basically I am saying that I have had a million opportunities to be patient... and yet here I am... clearly lacking in the area, but I dont want to be that person anymore... in fact.. over the last few months I have felt that person slowly fading away, thankyou Jesus.  

    When Jake and I found out we would have to do IVF my first concern was how long it would take.  Turns out, IVF isnt a quick fix... its something that requires.... you guessed it... patience.   Lots of waiting... waiting for your cycle to start, waiting for your eggs to grow, waiting for the retrieval and embryo results, waiting to see if you get pregnant from it... then waiting 9 months to hold your baby.... the waiting game never ends.

    I recently joined a bible study at my church and we are going thru the book of Ruth.  what a story of waiting....  Waiting in uncertainty, waiting in grief,  waiting without hope....  can you relate?   But look at the blessings that came from FAITHFUL waiting.

TRUSTFUL WAITING.  HOPEFUL WAITING.  

"But those who wait on the Lord will RENEW their strength, they will SOAR on wings like eagles; they will RUN and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."  Isaiah 40:31

It doesnt say "those who wait on the Lord will get what they want."  or "God will answer your prayers if you wait".   It says He will renew your strength IN the waiting.  waiting makes you strong.  Im learning that if I bring God into my waiting and cling tightly to His hand, then he will give me strength for WHATEVER happens.   He is a good and faithful God.  I can trust Him.  His faithfulness doesnt depend or rely on me at all.  He is faithful, period, thankyou Jesus.

In a couple weeks I'll start medications for IVF and then we will have a few months of waiting, we dont know what to expect... it can be so nerve racking and intimidating.. it can be so discouraging that people "accidently" get pregnant all the time and yet here we are, having to jump through all these hoops at our chance for a family...   But I know God will use this time to mold Jake and I, and ya know what?  Im going to let Him.   Im going to stop waiting in discontent and live in the present moment, soaking up what Jesus is telling me TODAY.  I know I can trust Him.

     

1 in 8

 From the time I could play doll I wanted to be a mom.  A wife and a mom.  I was the Barbie that got married and had a baby the next.   I never dreamt of having a career or being in any other field other than a mom.  Being a wife and having babies - It’s all I’ve ever wanted.

  So, you can imagine my excitement when I met, dated, got engaged and married the good looking, absolute GEM Of a man, Jake Johnson.  I was thrilled to be a wife and so excited to start a family.  I was ecstatic when I got a positive pregnancy test after one month - everything was going according to plan - but sadly that pregnancy ended as quickly as it was discovered.   I was pretty shattered but thought it wouldn’t take long for another pregnancy and I wanted to move forward but month after month after  month it was negative.  

Infertility.  I thought I was exempt from it because of the ‘child bearing’ hips and high fertility that ran through my family.   Yet, here I was... newlywed, 6 months into trying and no baby.  I itched to get to the fertility specialist.  I saw my ob and he assured me it would happen if I relaxed and instructed us to try a full year, after that he would recommend us to a fertility specialist.   

Time feels like a ticking time bomb when your trying to concieve.   Every month feels like a failure, it kind of ruins everything.  I was grieving, depressed, unhealthy, anxious, defeated.  You name it.  This was my biggest fear.  After a year we went to the specialist.  After a bunch of tests, blood work, ultrasounds and money we were given our results.  It was right before Christmas.  

 2% chance of natural pregnancy.  

2.   

And the issue is not Jake.  The issue is me.  Our best bet is ivf.  Merry Christmas.

     I hid away and cried for... what felt like a long time.  I didn’t want to be apart of this group.  I certainly didn’t want anyone to know.   After a couple weeks we decided to start ivf.   I went in for my baseline ultrasound in February to begin and got the worst case of nerves I’ve ever had, I knew I needed a second opinion so we cancelled our round and took three months off infertility stuff and waited on an appointment At a different clinic for a second opinion.   I prayed over and over God would heal my body in those months and this whole thing would just be a false alarm - but, as expected - our results remained the same.  My peace however, was very different    I felt immediately that we found the place that would help us in our dream of a family.  

After a lot of praying we decided to start ivf.   We have our ivf class in two weeks and we are hopeful to start a may ivf round.   Over and over God has shown himself in ways I have never experienced. 

     This isn’t the story I wanted, this isn’t how I wanted to bring babies into the world, but this is my reality.   And I want it to also be my testimony.  God is faithful and unchanging.  His grace is sufficient in times of need.  I’m amazed by His goodness in the midst of a lot of bad.  I know I can trust Him.   We would appreciate all of the prayers as we start down the journey of ivf and as we share our journey.