Adoption Fundraiser

 I gotta be honest, this adoption thing is EMOTIONAL for me.  I have the highest of highs and then I have the lowest of lows.    I have moments of shear excitement and anticipation followed by more fears than I can express in one blog alone.  I have questions, curiosities, insecurities, followed by more questions, more curiosities and more insecurities.   I'm terrified to be waiting for a baby for years, I'm terrified of holding a baby in two months.   THIS IS A FREAKING ROLLERCOASTER.   But then.......

   Then you have a village that sweeps you up in the midst of this rollercoaster.  You have friends that love you like family.  Friends that organize an entire fundraiser, a complete stranger that offers to do photography all day in the heat, rain and humidity.  Strangers that bring their sweet highland calves for photo shoots for the youngin's.  You didnt look for it, you didnt even ask for it.  But all the sudden your surrounded by a village of people that want to support you in anyway they can...  just because you're adopting.  

   This saturday the Dowd Foundation, ran by our amazing friends Brit and Brooke Dowd, threw us a fundraiser.   An amazing photographer, Jordy Goff who runs Our Clique Photography out of Osawatamie offered to spend her entire Saturday (and she has 6 KIDS AT HOME) to take family photos.  It was a wild, incredibly humbling day for Jake and I.   As we sat on the Dowds back porch swing, we couldnt put into words what we felt.  Watching friends and family come out to support us, but also complete strangers... it was quite a feeling.   Because of everyones generosity we were able to put $2,000 towards this adoption.  

Do  I still have worries? YUP!  Am i still nervous about a million things... yea.    But I'll tell you this much... It sure feels different with a village around you.

A  Million Times Thankyou!  

 Our profile is being built... we are getting closer and closer...  So lets keep this thing going :)

Our Love,

The waiting Johnsons

Moving right along!!!

 Hey all!   After two months we have completed our home study paper work!!!!!  This may sound simple but if you have gone thru this process you understand what an undertaking this is!!!  It’s intrusive and very intense!   But we have finished this Portion!  In the next few weeks we will complete our profile which is basically the book that is shown to birth mothers to tell them all about Jake and I!   Thru our amazing agency, they have someone that does all the work for you on this front, we provide pictures and information and they put it all together for us!  This process of putting our profile together takes about 2-3 weeks!  After this is done we go ‘active’ which means at any point we can get matched with a birth mother!  We recently completed some training where we found out that 50% of the time your adoption is instant… meaning a baby has been born and is at the hospital and you need to drop everything and get there!  They have also had couples get matched 2 days after completing their profile.  So this is where it gets intense.  Because we could have a baby by September… but we could also be waiting a year from now.  There is a lot of unknown.  We are excited.  We are also terrified. Ha.  So how can you support us?  First of all pray for us.  Second of all - pray for birth mom.  There is a complete stranger out there right now that is going to become a huge part of our lives, she is no doubt walking a hard road.  Join us in praying for her.  Your prayers are the most useful thing to us!  We would also be so blessed If you want to financially support us as the costs are now due and the agency we are with is $37,000  - we have saved for this for years but are hoping to raise 10,000.  We know this is a lot.   We have a go fund me that is linked to both my Facebook and instagram, we have a fundraiser coming up June 8th that is also linked on my pages.  

   When it’s all laid out in front of Jake and I we easily become overwhelmed.  This is not what we wrote down in our 5 year plan of ‘1st 5 years of marriage’ but it’s without a doubt where we are being led.  We are excited and hopeful yet guarded and nervous!  Trusting god to help make the impossible parts possible.  We will keep you updated as we continue to mark things off the list!

Find an agency - CHECK!

Announce you’re adopting - CHECK

complete homestudy-  CHECK

Next up- create profile and search for birth mom!

Adopting!

 Wow, the last time I wrote on this blog I was prepping for surgery on my uterus to try to improve fertility in hopes that we could become pregnant.  Sooooo, let’s do some catching up since that was almost 3 years ago!!!!

 So we ended up doing IVF and it was a big fat failure.   We actually were pretty traumatized from the whole experience.   I hated the place we ended up at.  The staff was so condescending to me, it was just an awful horrible experience that cost us thousands and yielded no results.  We were devastated.   I was a wreck.  During this time our family members on each side were getting pregnant and growing their families as well as friends.  It felt like the reminder of what we couldn’t achieve was everywhere.   The line between joy and grief is a blurry one.  One I had to work very very hard to navigate.  So we decided no more ivf, we wouldn’t continue to pour money into something that was so unsuccessful - how unsuccessful you may ask???? - well most the time you end up with embryos from IVF and then you transfer them in hopes they implant and you become pregnant.  Well we didn’t end up with an egg that would even fertilize.  Sooo yea.  

  So what have we been doing for three years?  Well, medicated cycles, diets, home remedies, lots of prayer.  All the things and most of all - trying to heal.  Infertility wounds a part of your heart so deeply that people can be aware you’re hurting and struggling but the truth is - unless you’ve been there - you can’t understand how deeply you hurt.  How you can smile and play with kids and then get in the car and sob the whole way home.  It’s very isolating and lonely.   We did get pregnant in Jan 2022 and I had positive pregnancy tests for two weeks.  It was heaven.  Right when we were getting ready to tell everyone I miscarried.   Life sure can beat you up.   One thing I’m so thankful for is what this has done to Jake and i’s marriage.  It kills me to think infertility can cause divorce.  I feel so lucky to have Jake.  We have grown closer thru this process.  I say it all the time but it rings true ‘im so thankful for my Jake’.  Geesh, I looooove that man. 

  Sooo there’s a very fast catch up… now let’s get to what’s happening now!!

    Last summer Jake and I took a trip to Colorado and we talked about the possibility of adopting.  We decided we would start saving money and try a few other medical things and see where we were at come the new year.  The new year approached and still not pregnant.  After a lot of prayer we finally decided in March to find an agency.   We have started working with a local agency and our application has been approved!!!  We are now working thru the INSANE amounts of paperwork for our home study!  As soon as the paper work is done (they give you three months to complete the paper work) we will begin our home study… after home study is complete we will go ‘active’ and start looking for a birth mom.  

  We announced last weekend and a lot of people asked if were already matched, no we aren’t.  We are still early in the process but we are excited.  And for the first time we feel hopeful this will give us a family.  A sign read ‘no bump but still pumped!  We are adopting!!!  Baby Johnson coming soon’… but we didn’t want to mislead people… we are still searching for baby Johnson.  Ha.  With that said, our agency also down private adoptions… so if there is anyone reading this that knows a birth mom wanting to place her child for adoption please prayerfully consider reaching out to Jake and I.  We have a fundraiser we are planning for June that I will get out more info on in the coming weeks but more than anything we need prayer.  This is exciting and scary and intimidating but we definitely feel it’s where god is leading us.   When you have heard ‘no’ for over 4 years it’s easy to get paranoid and fearful that this process won’t work for us either… but all we can do is close our eyes and walk by faith!   The outpouring of love has been overwhelming.   We cannot wait to be parents!  Thankyou for all your support!  We love you!

Unfair.

 As I mentioned in my previous entry, ivf is a lot of waiting.  Waiting after you have been waiting.   If you go to a fertility dr it’s  because you have ALREADY spent a lot of time WAITING.  Well I’ve been on birth control and today was my sonohystogram, basically where they check my uterus and make sure I’m ready to carry a baby so we can continue on as planned.   This is one of the first big things.  One of the things I’ve waited for.   I imagined how it would feel walking out of the drs office after hearing that everything looked perfect and ‘all systems were go’.  I had the dates in my head, I was ready.   I AM ready.  I also envisioned something being wrong, I was fearful something wouldn’t be right, but I tried to listen to those around me assuring me that things would be perfect unfortunately today my body, once again, failed me.

Can I take a second to say how frustrating that is?  How insanely irritating and devastating it is when your body won’t allow you the desires of your heart.   When your body doesn’t agree with your heart.  It’s soul crushing.  

   So my uterus is not ready for babies.   In fact, my uterus has enough wrong with it that my body would abort any baby that tried to stick.   This changes the timeline.  Our schedule remains the same, ivf medications, a million shots, ultrasounds and blood draws and then in mid to end of July, we will have an egg retrieval.   After that everything changes from our original plan.  Originally we were planning on a ‘fresh’ transfer just 5 ish days after retrieval, Which would have made me pregnant by my 35th birthday.  Something I just had set my heart on, shame on me for thinking I had any control at all in infertility.   Because of the condition of my uterus we will have to freeze every embryo we get, I will have a surgery to remove the problems and repair and then we will start the medications and shots for a transfer, I’m not sure how long that takes.  To be honest, my mind is still processing.  I know this isn’t the end of the road.   I know that we weren’t told we couldn’t move forward…  we were just told that more has to be done before we cross the finish line.   

It’s frustrating.  It’s heartbreaking and at the end of the day I always find myself in the same place :

‘Why is it so easy for some people?’

I don’t know, it just is I guess.  And it’s just not for me.  In the words of my mom… ‘it just is what it is’

I’m discouraged but I know this isn’t the end.  Infertility is just so cruel and unfair.  It’s just the road I’m on right now.  

the waiting game.

 waiting.

gross.

patience. 

ew.

    I remember being a teenager and going to church camp.  Oh, church camp.... the place where you recommit your life to Jesus all while searching eagerly for your future spouse.   I loved church camp (ha).   I remember a time in my youth where I felt as if every leader, mentor or pastor would talk about one thing... patience.  The fruit of the spirit.... a true virtue.

wait on the Lord and He will renew your strength.

      I remember praying for patience.... yea... you heard me... praying for patience... telling Jesus I wanted to be a patient person.... oh man, If i could only go back 20 years (wow, thats a looong time) and tell young Brooke to pray for blessings instead.   Not that I haven't received an abundance of blessings in my life, because I absolutely have... But Jesus definitely heard that prayer and granted it.   You see, when you pray for patience God doesn't just grant you that virtue... we know this.... He instead, gives us situations that require patience...  He gives us opportunities to become patient... it sucks.  

     He Gives Strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

    waiting is hard... waiting can be lonely... waiting can be frustrating and heartbreaking.   Waiting can be terrifying.

    I am a 34 year old woman who has spent most of her life waiting,  I couldn't wait to drive.   I couldn't wait to date, I couldn't wait to graduate... and dont even get me started on the husband... if you're reading this, then you probably know me.... and if you know me or ever knew me... you KNOW i waited on a husband.   And guess what?  Spending my time waiting didn't make time go by quicker.  Fixating on what I didn't have didn't inspire me, it discouraged me.   It didn't push me, it weighed me down.  Waiting the way I was waiting never left me feeling full or blessed, I lived a life not content, in fact contentment was a foreign idea.   I look back and can think of a million little things I missed out on in life and things God was trying to show me because I was so discontent in my waiting.

    When Jake and I got married I couldnt wait to get pregnant.   I told my friends and family that if I wasnt "super" pregnant by my birthday then I didnt even want to celebrate (sometimes I can be a little dramatic).  We had been trying for 6 months when I sobbed hysterically into a towel on the kitchen floor because i wasnt pregnant yet.   So, basically I am saying that I have had a million opportunities to be patient... and yet here I am... clearly lacking in the area, but I dont want to be that person anymore... in fact.. over the last few months I have felt that person slowly fading away, thankyou Jesus.  

    When Jake and I found out we would have to do IVF my first concern was how long it would take.  Turns out, IVF isnt a quick fix... its something that requires.... you guessed it... patience.   Lots of waiting... waiting for your cycle to start, waiting for your eggs to grow, waiting for the retrieval and embryo results, waiting to see if you get pregnant from it... then waiting 9 months to hold your baby.... the waiting game never ends.

    I recently joined a bible study at my church and we are going thru the book of Ruth.  what a story of waiting....  Waiting in uncertainty, waiting in grief,  waiting without hope....  can you relate?   But look at the blessings that came from FAITHFUL waiting.

TRUSTFUL WAITING.  HOPEFUL WAITING.  

"But those who wait on the Lord will RENEW their strength, they will SOAR on wings like eagles; they will RUN and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."  Isaiah 40:31

It doesnt say "those who wait on the Lord will get what they want."  or "God will answer your prayers if you wait".   It says He will renew your strength IN the waiting.  waiting makes you strong.  Im learning that if I bring God into my waiting and cling tightly to His hand, then he will give me strength for WHATEVER happens.   He is a good and faithful God.  I can trust Him.  His faithfulness doesnt depend or rely on me at all.  He is faithful, period, thankyou Jesus.

In a couple weeks I'll start medications for IVF and then we will have a few months of waiting, we dont know what to expect... it can be so nerve racking and intimidating.. it can be so discouraging that people "accidently" get pregnant all the time and yet here we are, having to jump through all these hoops at our chance for a family...   But I know God will use this time to mold Jake and I, and ya know what?  Im going to let Him.   Im going to stop waiting in discontent and live in the present moment, soaking up what Jesus is telling me TODAY.  I know I can trust Him.

     

1 in 8

 From the time I could play doll I wanted to be a mom.  A wife and a mom.  I was the Barbie that got married and had a baby the next.   I never dreamt of having a career or being in any other field other than a mom.  Being a wife and having babies - It’s all I’ve ever wanted.

  So, you can imagine my excitement when I met, dated, got engaged and married the good looking, absolute GEM Of a man, Jake Johnson.  I was thrilled to be a wife and so excited to start a family.  I was ecstatic when I got a positive pregnancy test after one month - everything was going according to plan - but sadly that pregnancy ended as quickly as it was discovered.   I was pretty shattered but thought it wouldn’t take long for another pregnancy and I wanted to move forward but month after month after  month it was negative.  

Infertility.  I thought I was exempt from it because of the ‘child bearing’ hips and high fertility that ran through my family.   Yet, here I was... newlywed, 6 months into trying and no baby.  I itched to get to the fertility specialist.  I saw my ob and he assured me it would happen if I relaxed and instructed us to try a full year, after that he would recommend us to a fertility specialist.   

Time feels like a ticking time bomb when your trying to concieve.   Every month feels like a failure, it kind of ruins everything.  I was grieving, depressed, unhealthy, anxious, defeated.  You name it.  This was my biggest fear.  After a year we went to the specialist.  After a bunch of tests, blood work, ultrasounds and money we were given our results.  It was right before Christmas.  

 2% chance of natural pregnancy.  

2.   

And the issue is not Jake.  The issue is me.  Our best bet is ivf.  Merry Christmas.

     I hid away and cried for... what felt like a long time.  I didn’t want to be apart of this group.  I certainly didn’t want anyone to know.   After a couple weeks we decided to start ivf.   I went in for my baseline ultrasound in February to begin and got the worst case of nerves I’ve ever had, I knew I needed a second opinion so we cancelled our round and took three months off infertility stuff and waited on an appointment At a different clinic for a second opinion.   I prayed over and over God would heal my body in those months and this whole thing would just be a false alarm - but, as expected - our results remained the same.  My peace however, was very different    I felt immediately that we found the place that would help us in our dream of a family.  

After a lot of praying we decided to start ivf.   We have our ivf class in two weeks and we are hopeful to start a may ivf round.   Over and over God has shown himself in ways I have never experienced. 

     This isn’t the story I wanted, this isn’t how I wanted to bring babies into the world, but this is my reality.   And I want it to also be my testimony.  God is faithful and unchanging.  His grace is sufficient in times of need.  I’m amazed by His goodness in the midst of a lot of bad.  I know I can trust Him.   We would appreciate all of the prayers as we start down the journey of ivf and as we share our journey.   

When it all falls apart.

I never thought I would write on here again, especially over the last 2 years, life has been too messy to write about.  Where do I even begin?  How do I even catch up?  Then I decided to use it as therapy and that means I make the rules ha.  So while I‘m happy to entertain a bit-  this ones for me.  

February 2019.    Her cancer is back.  I’m in Olathe working and my boyfriend at the time is over. It’s Monday.  We are supposed to have small group but I get a phone call that moms cancer is back and it’s bad so I stay home.  I sob in bed.  My best friend and her husband come by, Jake doesn’t leave my side.  Something feels scary.  Unknown.  I’m terrified and confused.  I call work and ask for the day off to get to Omaha to see her.  Leah (boss) was amazing.  Offered to give me the full week but I didn’t think it was necessary.  I would go see mom for a day, spend the night, go back to kc to work and then come back to Omaha Friday for the weekend.  We were told she would start chemo but would go home Friday.  The future was scary but there was a plan in place.   I remember sitting in bed that night after hearing the cancer was back.   I feared everything. Things I shouldn’t have feared yet.  Cancer wasn’t acceptable and I couldn’t accept it.  cancer - again?  She beat it once but can she do it again?  She hasn’t felt well in months.  Is this all It? How did her dr not find it?  Worst dr ever.   She was in the drs constantly.  Enlarged heart - low iron, the flu... but never cancer.   Finally a trip to the er exposes cancer - everywhere?  My mind couldn’t accept it. 

I drove in the snow to get to her the next day, once I got there she was in a procedure so she wasn’t in the room when I got there.   I don’t know how long I was there.  I know I went into her bathroom and threw up (not sure anyone knows that ha).  Being back in a hospital for her made me sick to my stomach.   I remember them wheeling her in on her bed.  She saw me and smiled very faintly - she was exhausted.  But she saw me. 

  ‘Brookey, you’re here! Oh you didn’t have to come sis’. 

I hugged her.  I cried.  I sat.  The rest of the day is a blur. I can’t tell her what we did all day but I can tell you how my last night with my mama went.  

Everyone had left and she wanted to shower so

I offered to help her.  I washed her hair that had turned so

Gray but beautiful.   I scrubbed and massaged her head and helped her wash up.   I was dating Jake and she asked a lot of questions.   Unfortunately we talked a lot of small Talk, she was so tired.   I got her dressed and into her pajamas and a blew dried her hair and brushed it.  Helped her get into bed and put lotion on her feet and socks over. 

 She told me she loved me.  I didn’t know it was the last time.  I kissed her forehead - I didn’t know it was the last time.   

I hugged her and breathed her in, I didn’t know it was the last time.  

‘Sis, I’m going home Friday and I want you to come back Friday and bring Jake and I want to spend the weekend together’

    

                ‘Okay mama’

   

We hugged and said goodbye.  I didn’t know it would be the last.  There were other memories that are a blur.  I bought baby clothes she hated lol.  We sang worship around her.  I danced.  She talked about Jake loving the crazy sides of me.  She looked at dad a lot.  She slept.  She told

Me she didn’t think this cancer would kill her.  There are bits and pieces jumbled in my mind about that day.  But the thing that sticks out the most is how I had no idea it was ‘the last’.  Oh the things I would have said instead.  I would have crawled into her bed and wrapped Myself in my mama if I had known.    Her hair was more gray than I had seen it. Her room felt huge.  She had her bible and devotional by her bed. She was beautiful.   As I continue to write about my grief I’ll talk about the day she left us and the roller

Coasts of emotion I’ve been on since then - but today I’m

Just getting my feet wet.  I’m hopeful that writing this out will help me process my grief and possibly walk along people going thru the same thing.  

What I wouldn’t give to be in her arms, to know she was coming to visit, to FaceTime her or even to be back in the room with her - just one last time.   

Where two or more are gathered.

So, I was raised in a Christian home.  I can't remember a time in my life where we didn't pray before our meals.  We even have a family prayer... Yeah, you heard me right.  A family prayer!  Is that normal?  I have often wondered if its normal.   So do me a favor and if you have a family prayer then commen and tell me... Seriously :) I'm curious.
      Anyways... We have a family prayer... That's started with I thiiiink my great grandparents.  I could be wrong about that.  But we say it before meals.  Growing up it was the norm for us kids.  However it did make inviting a friend over for dinner slightly awkward, ha.  This is how it goes:
Ahhhheeeemmm.....
 
     Dear lord, we thank thee for our care, the food we eat and the clothes we wear.  Be present with us everywhere.  Amen.

    That's it.  Simple, easy, to the point. I like it.  Anyways, allll of that to say this.  I grew up praying. Prayers have been a part of my everyday.  My moms prayers are comforting and nurturing. My dads prayers are powerful and honest.  I always loved hearing them pray.  When I was a child they calmed me down before bed and mad sit easier to fall asleep in spite of this e monsters under my bed... :). As a teenager they kept me rooted when my heart wanted to rebel, I know y'all think I'm perfect but I had some rebellion in the day. :). And as an adult the prayers of my parents is something I seek, I ask for when times are hard.  They are something I rely on.

    Y'all know I'm living with my grandparents right now and taking care of them.  They are 89 and 90 years old.  Grandpa was in a car accident in August where he broke his neck and since then they have just needed a little extra help.  That help has come from their eight children for the last six months (which by itself is incredible... God has blessed me with such wonderful aunts and uncles).  But now they need the help of someone else so I volunteered.  I didn't feel pressured or obligated at all.  I didn't feel pushed in a corner .  I didn't do it to look good, to please my parents or any other reason other than I genuinely love them.  And selfishly, I have missed them.  I grew up down the street from them and have missed them while they have lived in Tennessee for the last 5 years.  I have enough memories of them to write a book.  I adore them.  They are simply the best people.  And they, as I mentioned in a previous blog, are my heritage.   I find it only necessary, as well as the biggest honor of my life so far, to be here with them.  Honestly, truly, from my heart.  I'm honored.


       Living with them I have been able to pray with them.  Stinking' unreal.  These people don't pray like normal people.  They don't wait till dinner time and close there eyes and say a prayer... They speak to The Lord constantly thru the day.  They call out his name.  They truly live in relationship with their God.  It's inspiring.  I have a monitor in my room so in case they need me they can just speak into the monitor and it wakes me up.

I have something to admit.     ------        I love that monitor.

   I love the songs  that come thru that monitor.  This is my favorite right now,,, sing along if you know it.

And I thank god for the lighthouse,  I owe my life to Him, for Jesus is the lighthouse, and from the rocks of sin, He as shown a light around me that I could clearly see.  If it wasn't for at lighthouse, where would my ship be?

Or the song that will forever remind me of my grandpa:

I'd rather have Jesus, then silver or gold,
I'd rather have Him then have riches untold.
I'd rather have Jesus then houses or land,
I'd rather be led by His nail pierced hands.

   And to hear them pray.  It's beautiful.

  Ill roll over in the middle of the night and possibly hear my grandpa rolling over at the same time.  He has been so sick recently and in so much pain.  Can I tell you that he has never once complained? Never once been a bad mood, never told me to stop talking to him (even though I'm sure he's been tempted). But instead I can just hear that aged, farmer boy, hard working voice call out 'Jesus, oh Jesus... Jesus......'


       I'm not sure which has rocked my world more this last week, hearing them pray or watching them physically live out what they pray.  My grandma is constantly saying 'thank you Jesus... Thankyou Jesus.'  All day long.


    My mom reached out to my grandparents church here in tn to see if some people could come pray for them and anoint them.  A crowd showed up and they did so.  There's a video on my Facebook page of it.  Sweetest thing.  My grandpa has felt so much better.  His heart is better.  He is talking and smiling.  And it's because of prayer.  It's because the gospel really is true.

   Where two or more are gathered in His name.. he will be there.

 I'm so glad.  I'm so thankful for that promise.   Everyday is precious and wonderful with them.  I know I'm supposedly here to help them... But let me tell ya people.  They are helping me.

They are changing my life.

   

Heritage

First of all I want to apologize for the serious blog posts.  I know it's not entirely like me, but I have to say that being here in Tennessee it comes natural to reflect.   My days here are mostly quiet, the house is out in the country with very little around it.  The woods are in the backyard.  It's peaceful.          I'm also spending time with my grandparents who I have been very close to my whole life.  They are getting older and I'm realizing how precious every moment is.  I've been putting in lots of mental book marks trying to remember faces, smiles, laughs and quotes.  So you'll have to bear with me if my posts seem dramatic, emotional, serious, or whatever.....  I've been in kinda a dramatic, emotional, serious (ok, not really that serious) kinda girl.  Love it or leave it people.... But please love it.

     I wanted to talk about heritage....not my dads church... Even though I love that place. (CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?). But the heritage that comes from family.   A few years back my family was here in Tennessee for thanksgiving.  We were having thanksgiving dinner and going around the table saying what we were thankful for and my cousin Doug said he was thankful for his heritage.  The words barely left his mouth before he had to choke back tears.  It was a noticeable mental book mark in my mind because it was obviously so meaningful to him.  A year or so later his mom (my aunt) mentioned the same thing, being thankful for her heritage at my grandparents 70th anniversary.   Our heritage.
 
    I've spent a few days with the centerpiece to my heritage.  Paul and Marge.  A few things have stuck out to me about these two.

   they love each other.  My parents are in love and I have been privileged enough to witness a true, whole hearted, Christ centered love my whole life.... But a couple that Met at 11, married at 18 and are still together 70 years later is a whole new ball game.  They are each others life.  They are best friends.  They are their family.  There is no one in this world that my grandpa loves more.  And same for grams, she loves, worries, trusts, honors, respects and cares for grandpa so much.

    Their bodies are older, their minds are tired at times, but their feet are always planted on that solid rock.  I try to pray with grams every night before she falls asleep.  Man I love praying near that woman.  She talks to The Lord like someone who has been doing it for 90 years.  Her prayers are beautiful.  They are humble, thankful, honest prayers.  She loves The Lord so much.  They play a piano cd every night that plays on repeat as they sleep.  Ill never hear songs like 'id rather have Jesus' or 'the lighthouse' again without thinking of them.

 

       I have spent a lot of time watching my grandpa today, he's not feeling his best today (pray for him?)and I can tell by looking at him that he is processing and thinking... There is a lot going on up in that mind of his.  My whole life I have been intimidated by him.  He is tall, with huge hands and feet.  He is a worker... Always building or fixing something.  He is stoic, quiet, hard to read (if you know my brother brandon, imagine that just bigger and older).  With that said he is also the most warm, sweet, awnery, sarcastic, loving and thankful man you'll ever meet.
      Even with their bodies hurting they are so grateful.  And even more importantly they are trusting. They are trusting The Lord with everything.  They are thankful for their blessings and at 90 years old still desire the lords will for their life.
 
     I gotta tell you that my prayer is to be like that.  To love god like that.  To not even think of an alternative way to live for one second other than fully trusting in the one that created me.

    I want to love and trust god like Paul and I want to love my husband one day like Margie.
 
  I can see my heritage when I look at them.  I'm a fire cracker sometimes like my grandma can sometimes be and  I'm a nurturer like her.  I move my feet when I'm still.... just like my grandpa.  I also can be stubborn like him.  All the things that make me who I am come from my parents and my mom came from them so they have a big role in the person I have become.  I'm proud to be theirs.  Apart of their family and story.

  And.......    I'm so proud of them.

Grandmas :)

       My whole life I have had a fascination with hands.  I have my moms hands but my dads pointer finger.   I have a vein that sticks out over the knuckle of my right pointer finger just like my mom.  i have flat finger nails like my dad.  i bite my nails like my mom. My hands remind me of my parents.  My hands have wiped a bazillion kids nose when they are sick from a cold.  They have played piano for church.  When I was in 6th or 7th grade I held My first boyfriends hand for the very first time during a basketball game.

hands tell a story.  and i love stories.

 Specifically the hands of my grandmother.  When I was a child I used to sit by her side at Sunday evening service and hold her hand.  I would try to memorize every inch.  The way her aged skin laid across the bones, The way her veins would stand up.  I would run my fingers along every road of vein on her left hand.  I would twist and turn rings placed on her fingers.   I have always treasured her.  I have always treasured them.  There has always been something inside me that knew they were exceptionally different.  On Sunday night at church I loved sitting and holding the hand of my grandma.  The maker of apples and caramel, the endless supplier of gum and pretzels,  the fiery-sarcastic-hilarious, always has a Kleenex in her hand, nurturing and sweet GRANDmother.

    I was 9 when these memories took place and here I am nearly 20 years later sitting next to that same woman.  Sitting to her left as if I'm taking my same place I did in church all those years ago.
  My hands are smaller now.  But still the same.  Her nails are perfect as always.   Of possible they have become even more beautiful.  They have lived 90 years.  They have cooked a million meals.  Made christmas divinity.  Washed clothes, cleaned dishes.  They have hugged and nurtured kids and grandkids, great grandkids and great great grandkids.  They have opened and shut a bible.  They have packed boxes for moves and unpacked boxes into homes.  They have quite a story.
 

Guess whose back?!?

I have to admit that over the last year (and some months) I have thought of this.... It would be impossible not to.  I have picked up my computer (now an iPad... Geesh... There's so much to catch up on) and thought of where to begin.  But the thought of a blog has seemed overwhelming because of the variety of topics I've had to cover... A lot has happened people... And I simply couldn't find the time to sit down and write it out.  I apologize.... If we were dating you would have definitely broken up with me by now.  I need to work on consistency..... Noted. :)

    Are we done fighting?........ Okay, good... Love you :)
 
Noooow, where to begin... The last y'all heard from me I was Haiti bound...  Because of your donations and prayers I was able to make an unforgettable, life changing trip.  It was possibly the best experience of my life.  So much stinking fun.  Since there's a lot of ground to cover I might just dedicate a blog down the road to that trip, but for now ill just say It was amazing, challenging and forever changed this American heart. :)
 
 To tell you what happened after Haiti in any kind of detail would be a task for me and boring for you.... So ill just say this... Haiti. Then school... Lots of it. 6 month leave from school.  Working full time.  Big blizzard in which I was snowed in with nothing in my pantry but a box of saltines.  New car (Josie)... She's amazing and will be getting a blog entry of her very own soooooon. Vacation in Michigan with the deans. Worship at grace. Lots of random and fun photo shoots.  A boys2men concert (uhhhhh. Yeah, it was as amazing as you would assume).   A Taylor swift concert. my best friend had a baby... mankato, also probably going to get his own blog soon..... hes perfect. a random offer to move to Illinois for the summer.  A trip to Florida to see the lynch fam.  Moving to Illinois. Graduating from school.  Becoming a  Professional sandwich maker.   Annnnnd here we are.

     Yep, I'm living in peoria Illinois right now.  With the dean family.  It has been an awesome summer full of learning experiences.  They are just the best.  After living on my own for 2 years (can u believe it was two years?!?  Me neither) i really wanted a family and the deans gave me that.  There's no price on coming home to a happy face of a little girl running to you screaming buppy (that's my name around here).  They gave me a home.... And that's priceless... The picnics, family dinners, movie nights, road trips, slumber parties, games of candy land and birthday parties..ugh, it healed me people.

    Ever felt like u needed picked up?  Like life didn't just hand u lemons... But u felt like life was pelting lemons at you?!  Ever felt completely misdirected?!  No?!  Fine.  Me neither. :)
    I was feeling a little broken... Which happens... This ain't no perfect life, boys and girls. And sometimes we (I'm assuming I'm not alone here) can feel totally lost and unsure of what to do next.  Being a grown up is kinda hard.... Oh yeah, and I had another birthday in which I turned..... Wait for it.... 27 (let's not talk about it).
 
     All that mumbo jumbo to say that every time I have felt lost, confused, misdirected, unsure there's one thing that never fails..... Starbucks.   Kidding, that was stupid.

     In all seriousness I have continued to be blown away by the faithfulness of my God.  It makes me cry to even write about it.   Soooooo faithful y'all, it's crazy.  It hasn't mattered what has happened over the last two years (and as u can see a lot has happened).  It doesn't matter how financially, mentally, relationally confused or frustrated or stressed I am, I have woken up every morning knowing that I know that I know that I KNOW that He is faithful,  his mercies are always new.  And that He is behind me and goes before me.  His love for me is strong, seeing past my mess and loving me where I am.  Breathing strength into my life and causing my heart to fall more and more in love with Him.  He is such a good God.  Although at times I throw a pity party and convince myself that I'm really being put thru the ringer I'm quickly reminded that I have no battles to fight.  Every battle has been fought on my account.  I'm victorious.  And because of that amazing truth I can continue to walk thru this life with all its amazing and exciting changes, with all its growth spurts and challenges and all the huge events that are still in my future.

  I'm looking to move back to Kansas City soon and applying for jobs... Life is going to continue to change and transition is going to happen yet again but can I just say for the record that my heart has changed.   For the first time in my life I know I'm not alone.

 And I'm convinced now more than ever that the best is yet to come!
   (Ill make sure to blog about it)
     

HAITI :)

Hey Friends,

Geesh, I haven't posted on here in ages. Just plain ridiculous! In my defense I have been more busy then ever before in my entire existance. I work then go to school then go to bed... 6 hours later (or more if Im lucky) I wake up and the cycle repeats itself. I even have class on Saturdays so Sunday is LITERALLY my only day of rest. Needless to say I'm exhausted all the time. But life is good. Work is amazing, those kiddos literally cannot get any cuter. And school is so fun. I love every part of my days right now (except for the lack of time to do anything). All in All i cant complain. :) I found myself with sometime tonight though and have been wanting to write this specific blog for a long time. As some of you who read this already know I am embarking on a huge adventure. I'm going to Haiti. Yup.. me. The girl who has never even been to Mexico. Want to hear the story? Its an amazing one..... okay. here it goes..

If you read this blog at all then I'm sure you know that I have a little love of my life named Josh. Who is adopted from Korea. In about a week josh will turn 4, which seems unreal. I can still remember standing in the airport as a woman walked down the terminal with a ball of 10 month old, black bowl-cut haired, chubby cheeks Korean love! I'm not sure if I will even love my neices and nephews as much as I love that kid. He is amazing. And watching his parents go through the adoption process was amazing. I think God spoke to my heart in more ways through that experience than in any other experience I have ever had. Since then I have had such a heart for the orphans, or for any child in need of a loving family... both literal and metaphorically speaking. The literal orphans of the world and the people who have strayed away from the heavenly father. I have thought and wanted to go on a missions trip for YEARS but was never given an opportunity really. Until this November.

I have been attending Grace Community Church of the Nazarene in Spring Hill since I moved here and I love it. Its such a great group of people. The Pastor and his family are amazing, the worship is heart-felt. I just love it. In November they announced that they would be taking a missions trip to Haiti at the end of May and IMMEDIATELY i felt like the Lord was tugging at my heart.. it was almost like he was whispering.. "this is it Brooke...." I have to admit that I hesitated... I started to immediately think of excuses... have ya ever done that?

"too much money.."

"not enough time..."

"i've never even been camping and you want me to go to Haiti??"

I decided to go to the informational meeting, which is where my hesitation turned into panic. WE got a SMALL glimpse of what life is like for the people of Haiti. The statistics are jaw-dropping. Here are just a few that stuck out to me.

* at least 1/2 of the haitian population lack access to clean water.

* 76% of all Haitians are living on less than 2 dollars a day

* 500,000 children will never attend school

* there are an estimated 80 deaths per 1000 births.

*only 1 in every 5 haitians have access to a sanitary toilet

* 1 in every 5 children wont make it to the age of 30

* the life expectancy is about 60 years old.

I left the meeting that day scared... trying to think about something else... but I couldnt. I thought about it all day... all night, all day at work the next day... then I came home and in the rush of getting ready I felt confirmation louder than ever.

"Brooke, you love Josh. There is a Josh is Haiti. Josh was blessed with a wonderful and loving family but there are kids in Haiti that dont have that. There is a little boy/girl who needs to be ministered to and Loved. I want you to go do that. You have been a nanny for 5 years.. you have wondered why... this is why. I have been equipping you for this trip. This is where you are supposed to go. This is when. I'm calling you. You have to go to Haiti."

It was so clear. More clear than anything I've ever felt in my life. So, i'm going to Haiti :)

We leave May 26th and will be there for about a week. We will be going to Linbe, Haiti where we will be doing a bunch of different projects, including showing the Jesus Film, helping with construction of churches, putting on a vbs for the kids and of course, spending time with those sweet people. Now.. this is where you guys come in..... are you ready?! :)

I need prayer people :). I am excited for the adventure that lies ahead. I feel called and am confident that this is what the Lord wants me to do. But of course there is a bit of fear. Please pray that the Lord will continue to work on my heart and prepare me for this life changing experience. That I would be a vessel. I'm so nervous that it will break my heart to see that kind of devastation so I ask that you would pray for strength. That I would be used and be open to all the things the Lord wants to do through me and speak to my heart about. Please pray for the people of Haiti and that the Lord would also be preparing their hearts for this trip. That there hearts would be open and willing to hear the message we are bringing. And pray for the kids.

I am doing all I can to support myself financially for the trip but if you feel called to help financially then I will leave some information below to help you be able to do that :) (all givings are tax deductible)

EVERYTHING prayer, donation and thought is SOOO appreciated! :) I'm so excited for this and anxious for what God is going to do :) I'm sure thought on Haiti are sure to be following all the posts from now on :)

Isaiah 6:8 “Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, Whom shall I send, and who will go for us? Then said I, Here am I; send me.”

Mail all money donations by check to:

Grace Community Church of the Nazarene

19300 S. Highway 169

Spring Hill, KS 66083

*all checks made out to Grace Community Church with "Brooke Cluff Haiti Trip in the memo line*

Repeat the Sounding Joy

Repeat the Sounding Joy....

I love Christmas music. Weeks ago I made my way into Kohls and purchased Bing Crosbys Christmas cd and have been listening to it religiously in my car, on my computer, iphone and ipod... (get the picture?) I love it. Christmas music feels so "home-ish" to me. Its warm, its inviting, its relaxing, it says to me "remember all the good in the world that comes with this time of year"... i. just. love. it. And Its not just Bing that I'm crazy about.. its christmas music in general... from nsync's christmas to my beloved Grinch. This compilation of compositions warms my heart like no other :)

So, you get the picture, I love Christmas music... and I've been listening to it a lot lately... I'll be Home for Christmas (which I will), Jingle Bells, Here comes Santa Claus and joy to the world. :)

I was waking up this morning after a rough night. I have had this past week off work which has been nice... I miss those adorable little kiddos but its been nice having days to get some things done and lets be real... NOT waking up at 6 am hasnt hurt. :) But with days full of wonderful nothingness comes thoughts full of everything. I have never thought of myself as much of an over-analyzer or thinker... but I have to admit in my old age i'm thinking more. It all started Monday (when I got home from my parents for thanksgiving). I have planned with my brother and sister for weeks now to go get a real tree for my place after thanksgiving. The plan was to go get one this Friday But because of conflicting schedules (not on MY part) it wasnt going to work, after trying to find another time I came to the conclusion that this year I would be getting a tree and putting it up by myself. Kind of a bummer. I am now sitting on my couch still putting off getting one. My whole apartment is decorated for christmas... and then there is this....

This is the awkward, huge, empty space in my living room that I made for a tree that has yet to be placed there. I HAVE to get a tree today. I'm just putting it off because I didnt want to do it alone. My whole life putting up the tree has been a big deal, our family sets a time to do it and we all gather together and put up the ornaments from our childhood and listen to music. I just wanted my first christmas in my own place to be similar to that. (serves me right for wanting to live ALONE!) ..... can you tell I'm upset? ha. So I'll no doubt go today and put up my tree and everything will be fine... I can promise you one thing.. BING will be there.. he never disappoints ... not that my siblings have disappointed me because they havent. I totally understand that they have busy schedules as do i. Its hard to find a time to do stuff. I'm not mad at them. I'm just. mad. And Last night I was really mad.... let me tell ya. (no, for real, I'm about to tell you).

So I came home from class at about 930 and walked into my apartment, took a shower and sat down to drink some hot tea before bed (dont you love this meaning-less details?) As I was sitting down I was looking at my apartment and all the christmas decorations I have put up and yet it still doesnt feel like christmas.... mostly because of the picture above. Then I thought about Home and missing it (its was beyond wonderful to be "home" for thanksgiving) then I thought about talking to my mom earlier that day. She had called to see how my day was going and I had missed her call so she was calling again to make sure I was okay... in our conversation she said this... "I just wanted to check on ya sis, you do live alone... if anything happened how would we know?". So true. :) and such a sweet delightful mama for caring so much about me.

But that sentence rang in my mind all night. I do like living alone. Its what i wanted. I didnt really wanna do the whole room-mate thing. Its just that word... "alone". I have hated the word my whole life. "alone". that word gives me the same feelings that the word "mufasa" gives the hyenas in Lion King. I have always despised it. Even as a little girl, I never wanted to be alone.... my poor sister had to deal with my fear of being alone by constantly going with me everywhere... we are talking bathroom, upstairs, anywhere that was dark. (oh come on, you know you did it too, I know i'm not alone in this (theres that darn word again)). Me and my sister even slept in the same bed for YEARS because I hated being alone so much. I think she kinda shared my fear so she didnt mind too much... she only complained when I would ask her to rub my back till I fell asleep... (ok ok, I was alittle needy).

Why did I start talking about this?? OH YEA.. I hate the word ALONE. back.on.track.

So I have never wanted to be alone and yet here I am in an apartment in a different state than my parents living.... (i'm not going to say it)..... by myself. :)

And although I often enjoy being... by myself... cant I just have someone help me put on the stinkin' tree??!

Okay, now onto the moral of the story... :) I was waking up this morning with a sore throat and stuffy nose and feeling all around "poopy", sitting on my couch (where I still remain) staring at that ugly, empty space in my living room when I started to hum a little christmas song.... (they always cheer me up)....

Joy to the world... our Saviour reigns. Let men their songs employ...

While fields and floods, rocks, hills and plains...

repeat the sounding joy...

repeat the sounding joy.

repeat, repeat the sounding joy.

Repeat the sounding Joy??? I love how God can get to me with four words and start to change my attitude. It was almost like i heard His voice saying...

"i know, things arent PERFECT... i know there are things your tired of... I know you are dealing with some "things"... i know. BUT repeat the sounding joy."

So, what's your joy? Is it your family? It is your spouse? It is your ministry? Maybe its the new blessing God sent you this year? Maybe its the dream house you FINALLY got... it could be a million things. Or maybe its been a hard year and you cant think of a joy off the top of your head.. in which case I would suggest you look at the joy the song is referring to... which is precisely what I am doing. The joy is that Jesus was born to come and bring us freedom. To show us the greatest love of all in something as sweet and perfect as a baby boy. He came so that we could have a direct relationship with Him. I'm so thankful that He is constant. And that He is with me thru all these seasons I'm experiencing.. the wonderful, the hard, the trying, the fun... all of it.. He is walking beside me helping me get through. He didnt have to come... but He came :)

....... thats the Joy worth repeating.

the adventures of auntie b :)

I cant believe almost a whole year has passed since I began this blog... its been so fun.

Im currently sitting in my newly "moved around" living room (had to make room for the christmas tree I AM putting up before thanksgiving) with hot tea and candles lit.

ahhh... I really do love my home. and most the time I love living here alone and enjoying the peace and quiet and always being the keeper of the remote. :)

** I can watch state fair as many times as I want and nobody complains... **

I finally feel like this place is my own... and it looks like me.. i guess. :) Just feels good. :)

Emory and Hayden are doing so wonderful... I cut Emorys hair for Picture day, she looked adorable. She kept walking thru the house running her fingers through her hair while saying to herself.. "Oooooh my goodness.. show mommy"... too stinking cute! Hayden is officially in love with me which is good because I'm crazy about that little man, he is constantly giving

me the flirting eyes and smiles.... whatta way to spend your days eh? I'm a lucky girl.

School is great.. I have given about 20 haircuts including some of my sisters friends. :) ha... If your in the Olathe area and want a free haircut then CALL me! I need practice. :) ps: I'm good... and have YET to mess up... your in good hands :)

I have my 4th exam tomorrow and really should be studying.. (i cant believe I have re-entered the world of studying.. grody.) I really do love the classes though and my instructor says I'm a natural.. I feel like I've found my nitch (or niece for all you Boy meets world fans).

Speaking of NIECE...

I dont have a niece of nephew but I have a ton of fake ones... (shout out to Harrison, Josh, Jaz, Grace, Addi and Paigers) But It all started with Josh :) He is the little love of my life! :) I've blogged about him before so I'll save the repetitive-ness and just tell you that He and his sister Jaz came to spend the weekend with Auntie B (m-wah) a couple weekends ago and it was sooo stinking fun! WE had jack-o-lantern pizzas and popsicles and koolaid and way too many treats.. watched a movie, played, had a bubble bath (they did... not me). and all slept in my room... Jaz was in the pack n play and josh and I in my bed... I literally felt like I was in a movie as I woke up repeatedly to josh's hands, feet, arms and booty in my face at various times in the night till finally at 730 am I was awoken by a sweet little boys voice asking "Auntie B, you got anything in this place for

breakfast?" *too stinking cute*

And Auntie B DID have something... chocolate chip pancakes... Josh was a happy boy :)

After church I got to go have lunch with the sprat family and catch up.

I really miss them... I miss a lot of things about Omaha but the Spratlen Fam is in a

category of their own.. they are just great people :). AFter lunch we went and took some family pictures... heres just a few...

They are just so great and I had so much fun hanging out with them! :)

Having Josh and Jaz around made me realize how thankful I am for the people in my life...

I think sometimes I forget what I have because I focus so much on what I dont have... for instance... lately I have decided I want a house.. CRAZY right?!! I mean, thats just stupid. Nothing against home-owners (one day I hope to join your club) But I live alone... and I JUST got my FIRST apartment.... and its only been six months. there is this thing called the maintenance man that comes everytime my clog in my shower acts weird and those dont come with houses!!!

I just tend to get ahead of myself. I want a house.. I want a husband (i know i know, broken record) I want a new car... I want more money... I want to be done with school.. I want.. I want... I need.. I need.. blah blah bloppity-blah.

Its in those moments of searching for houses on "homes.com" or looking at baby pictures of the children I do NOT have in pinterest that God stops me and gives me a little slap in the face (in a loving way of course)... "Brookey poo (thats what He calls me)... look at what I've given you.... look at your life... and remember I'm in control.. puh-lease Brooke.. be still..."

Thats what he tells me... So i'm working on listening to that... and being still. :) And remembering what I have and how stinking faithful He has been to me this year. When I was so lost and scared of what the future held... he was holding me.

So thankful for a God who is big enough to hold me up. :) and thankful, very thankful For friends, for family (both of which I'm convinced I got the best of). For a job that I love **how many people can say that??!** and to be back in school learning something I love doing.

How can I complain about not having a house or a husband when God has been so faithful and I've been so lucky? Welp.. i just. cant.

Hold on to your hats people.... I feel a thankful List coming on... maybe next post :)

He sings over me but does my life sing to Him?

Hey friends, told you I was back to the blogging world... this is my third post in like 3 days...

this is either awesome or ridiculous...

definitley awesome. :)

I am currently sitting on the floor in my living room... I should be vacuuming or something... there is plenty to do around here.. like fold a TON of laundry.. but instead Im just sitting here.. on the floor. I just finished painting... i love painting :) I actually just finished two paintings of princesses for Addi and Grace (old nanny family from omaha).

*** side note... when painting try to remember which plastic cup is your sweet tea and which cup is your paint water other wise your in for an unpleasant surprise ****

*** another side note: resolve carpet cleaner is my new best friend.. i use it on everything, carpet, clothes... anything with a stain.. its amaze ****

(i have started to abbrev. everything. examples : amaze, gorg, delish, fab, hyster)... its taking on a life of its own.)

Okay, now to the subject of this post...

I can be negative. I'm sure I'm the only one, none of you can be negative... right?

I can be straight up mean. I hate this about myself yet at I cant deny it.

I have a weird and complex personality.

What I mean is that I am so quick to get over something. I can literally be mad one minute and then totally over it the next... but I am also stubborn... I am super passionate (some people may use the word dramatic but I like "passionate" more). I feel BIG (not I feel "large" but when I feel an emotion I feel it in a BIG way.) and I'm always honest about how I feel and its really hard for me not to voice how I feel. (not always a good thing)

I embellish when I'm heated. I used to embellish all the time, but now its only when Im getting worked up.. and even then its rare. (some people would call it lying but I like "embellish" more).

I am flawed. I mess up. I put me first constantly. I like control.

I... I... I... me.. me.. me. Brooke. Brook. BrookE.

So, today I was really struggling with something going on in my life and I was driving home from work with a MILLION things going thru my mind.... example??

School, schedules, work, family, church, work, money, budget, school, family... it was like a ferris wheel of emotions... just a constant circle...

I turned on my radio to try to block out my loud and annoying thoughts when I heard a lyric to a song playing (on no other station than the good ol' klove.)

"my heart will sing to you"

I dont know what song it was, I had never heard it before and by the time I turned the radio on the song was almost over.... but I caught the part I SO needed to hear.

After hearing it I began to feel this CRAZY conviction...

Does my heart sing to Him?

I feel like my heart sings a million different songs thru out my day. My heart sings to sweet little Hayden and Emory from 7-4. But in between bottles and books, naps and snacks, my heart is singing a million other songs... maybe you've heard them...

"Old Miss Brookey needs more cash... ee-yi-ee-yi-OHHHHHH"

or

"The wheels on my car are going flat, going flat, going flat... I really need more oil stat.. all the way to town."

my heart is singing songs of fear all the time.. songs about self worth.... am I gaining weight? Do I look okay? I need to fix this or that about me...

My heart is singing songs of fear about my future.. whats next? as I slowly let go of the fantasies of childhood I am more and more fearful that I'll live my life alone.

Songs of anxiety... songs of fear... not-s0-nice-songs that a good christian girl shouldnt be singing to herself.

And you know that enemy... he Lo-hoooves this. He creeps right in and thrives on me when I get like this.

Now listen up ya'll. Im a real girl, with real feelings and when I'm wrong I'm really wrong.

(Just wanted to clarify because I know you all think I'm flawless and perfect.)

ARE YOU LAUGHING?

But my point is Im not always strong.. in fact most the time I fail... and today when the enemy came after me I failed. I totally bought into him and started to defend my... "songs". Do you ever do that? You sing these songs over yourself all day long about the things you are NOT or the things you DONT have.... and then defend it??!!

"I just need to complain" "I need to get this off my chest" "im being human" "you would hate it too if you werent happy with your body".... it goes on and on.

Its like the enemy convinces us to defend these.. "songs"... but then after we have defended our "songs" it makes us feel even worse. And the last thing we feel like doing is... singing.

"my heart sings to you".

A couple years ago I heard this worship song called "amazed" and the first lyric is this:

You dance over me while I am unaware.... You sing all around but I never hear a sound.

ugh, that gets me everytime... I just picture the Lord dances slowly and beautifully above me as I go thru my life. I imagine Him looking over my situation and singing over me.

So if God is singing over me then how different would I look (my attitude, my heart, my worth) if I made it priority for my heart to constantly be singing to Him.

And trading out the ee-Yi-ee-Yi-oh for a How Great is our God....

Living a life of singing to him WITH my life. Easy? no way. Probably pretty hard because I'm a passionate and flawed individual... But necessary.??.... heck yes.

I was so reminded in my car that God is singing over my life RIGHT now. All the junk I'm sorting thru and with every tear I shed HE is singing and dancing over Brooke. (so thankful).

So... I think its time... that I sing back.

We should start a choir.

Uncle Jim

Okay ya'll... are you ready for a bit of Brooke's Family tree?? Here we go...

My moms name is Char and her parents are Paul and Marge.

Paul and Marge have 8 kids... that was not a typo.. they have EIGHT. They are as follows...

Ron, Karen, Fred, Sharon, Deb, Gayle, Diane and Char.

My whole life I have been VERY close to my aunts and uncles but VERY VERY close to my aunts. Spent many summers at Aunt Karens picking strawberries in her garden, always enjoyed visits with Aunt Beav (Diane... we have always called her Beav... weird) and Aunt Sharon. Eaten pounds and pounds of popcorn with Auntie (gayle) and watched movies. Even with Uncle Ron I would go see him and Aunt Weezy in Florida where they lived and I have always looked forward to the times I would get to see Uncle Fred! They are all the best and I love them so so much... But there is only one that I have been compared to my ENTIRE life.. and thats Deb. Ever since I can remember I have heard things like "You sound just like DEB!" or "you are your aunt deb". Here are the things me and that lovely woman have in common... we leave things like shoes and earrings in random places then cannot find them to save our lives, we dont clean out our purses when we switch, we say what we think even when we shouldnt (ha), but we love BIG and are quick to forgive... we can be mad at you one second and over it the next. I am most like my aunt Deb and I love that. :)

My aunt deb is married to my uncle Jim. They have been married almost 20 years. Uncle Jim is sweet and kind... possibly the sweetest and most kind man you could ever meet. Would never do so much as mumble a negative word about someone. ALWAYS smiling, incredibly genuine... and insanely happy. But most of all he is CRAZY in love with my Aunt Deb. I'm talking CRAZY in love. EVer since I was a little girl and I would see them Uncle Jim would start singing and serenade Aunt Deb... I can hear him now....

Wise men say only fools rush in, but I cant help falling in love with you......

He sang that to her all the time, it was how he told her he loved her when they were dating... it was their song... and no matter where they were or what they were doing he would sing it to her, and only her.. it was so sweet.

Uncle Jim was diagnosed with cancer 6 years ago and was given two years, but thru treatments and lots of prayer the Lord gave him 6. Last sunday, while at home, with Aunt Deb right next to him he peacefully left this world and went "home". From what I've heard it sounds like he knew the time was close and made sure to say his goodbyes... Saturday night before falling asleep he had one more thing to tell my aunt Deb before he went to sleep... "I just love Jesus so much"... then he went to sleep and while sleeping went to heaven. What a legacy he left.

As many of you who are reading this now I have wanted one thing more than any other thing since I was like... well... 4. Seriously. and thats to be married. I have so longed for a husband. At times its been an unhealthy obsession, ha. But as of right now I would say its just a "dream". There have been a few guys in the picture lately and although each has had its one wonderful traits I have known they werent the "one".

If there is anything I learned from Uncle Jim it was to wait. Wait for the one. Wait for my Jim. My aunt deb has told me that since I was little... I can hear her now saying "wait honey, you gotta wait precious girl, its so worth it!". And although I have always believed her, I dont think I have completely gotten it till now.

Uncle Jim was just awesome. If you have been reading my blog then you might remember me talking about going to tennessee last thanksgiving and going to the hoe-down (throwdown). Well, Uncle Jim was in the band that played there at the barn dance. He was the reason we went. And I'm so thankful for that memory of him. I cant think of a single bad thing about him and if you had known him then you wouldnt be able to either. He was such a sweet and precious man who loved my aunt Debbie more than anything.

Aunt Deb, you are loved by me. So happy we have the bond that we do and I'm proud to be a "little debbie". you are so precious to me. I will honor Jims life by waiting for a guy like him and not settling for less and by loving God with all my heart.

Save a place for my Uncle Jim.... love ya.

back to the blogging world!

Hey All. So, lately I have been missing Blogging like no other... I think I'm a seasonal blogger. It was just about a year ago that I started this blog and originally I was inspired by fall... and food.

Welp, a year has passed and I'm inspired by the same things... Whoops?

Which is why I have diagnosed myself as a seasonal blogger.... Just didnt blog much over the summer... but dont worry people... the blogging Brooke is back in action. (say that 10 times fast.)

Anyways... let me catch you up with all the big events in my life the last 6 months... ha (im being sarcastic).

ps: I'm dividing this into two blogs....

Actually there have been some big events... I moved from Omaha (home) to Overland Park, Kansas (aka: new home... aka: kansas city). I have an adorable and homey but very little one bedroom apartment. My family has visited on many occasions and its always so fun... the only thing I dont like is that we have to turn my living room into a bedroom with a blow up mattress... (an AMAZING one, by the way). The first time they visited we had mom and dad in my room, with me, brandon and brit all in the living room.... me & brit on the air mattress and brandon on the couch. It was that night that i started to imagine my "next" place... hopefully a house (obviously I'm planning on staying in this apartment for a few years)....

I imagined the spacious 3 (0r 4) bedr00m with big living room and an actual dining room that doesnt act as a dining room/music room/entry-way.... as I was dreaming away my thoughts were interrupted by a saying my mom used to always tell us when we were kids... "love grows best in little spaces". That night i decided to not complain about my adorable and homey but very little one bedroom apartment. :) and i havent ever since. :) (knock on wood)

I have been nannying for the Huntingtons almost 6 months now. (SO CRAZY). Emory is talking like crazy and so far her favorite saying is "girl please!" She also likes to show me everything.. her socks.. her shoes... her stuffed animals.... her fingernails... everything. Needless to say my days with Emory consist of these two sayings.. "Girl, please!" and "brooke Look!". She is precious! :) Hayden is becoming a little butterball and will be 1 year old in January! He is smiling and cooing and laughing and just so stinking cute! :) They fill my days with hugs, kisses, high-fives and giggles... I really and truly LOVE being a nanny!

Speaking of being a nanny... I have been struggling for the last couple years with how long I will do this. I have been nannying for over 7 years. And Ive had the most amazing families and watched the most amazing kids, but as each job ended it got harder and harder to say goodbye. Which is always hard for me because I get so attached to the family... case in point (or is it case and point? Ive never known).... I text with Jozette at least once a week. (jozette is my old boss.. ha) and I have planned two trips to see them... both of which have been cancelled... this makes me cry a little.

So all of that to say I havent been sure how many more nanny days I have in me.... Everytime I think I'm done there is another family that comes my way and I . just.cant.RESIST!

I have, however, been feeling the itch to try something new... so I'm going to HAIR SCHOOL! :) and starting on Monday... The schedule will be crazy busy but will only last a year. going to beauty school was actually what I wanted to do when I graduated highschool... but decided to attend a university instead... so glad becauase thats how i met 5 of my 6 best friends!

(Jess, Brit, Kel and Les).

I just figured that since I have moved away from mom and dad, living on my room, trying all these new things... why not do something I have always wanted to do.. ya picking up what I'm droppin??

So whether im cutting someones hair or taking kids to the park I'm confident I'll be happy doing whatever it is....... that I'm doing... (long sentence).

In other news.... sad and happy news... I said goodbye to an uncle this last week. Good ol' Jolly Uncle Jim... If you care to know all about this then read the Uncle Jim blog... I'm splitting them up! :)

Happy Fall! :)

my new Boo.

Hey all :)

big news today!!! But first....

Hope everyone is loving this fall weather as much as I am... because i am Lo-hoooving it! :)

The long sleeves, the starbucks, the candles...

ahhhhh.. simply marvelous. :)

chili in the crock pot for lunch tomorrow and pretty sure I'll be making Cinnamon apples later this week.. if anyone wants some, come on by! :)

Its Saturday night and Im sitting on my couch with candles lit drinking some coffee and relaxing after the most amazing 2 days.... wanna hear about em? I know ya do...

Let me give you a little history lesson first :)

So I have 5 best friends. These are the girls that I talk to the most and that I'm the closest to.

They are as follows... Tenisha, Jess, Kel, Brit and Les. :)

I love these girls. I have been friends with them for about 5 years (tenisha has been 9... crazy).

I met Kel, Les, Brit and Jess my freshmen year at MNU. Our friendships took off and have been such a HUGE blessing in my life. I have watched each one get engaged and 4 (almost 5) get married. I have sat in the church or on the stage as they have said their I do's. I have sang at two of their weddings :) Been to 4 bridal showers. Its been the most fun ride ever.

So, fast forward to present day and Kelli is pregnant!!! :) the first baby is about to be born! :) For months we have watched Kel's belly grow bigger and bigger with the bundle of joy inside. We have had the baby showers and gotten the gifts.. taken the "friendship picture" and prayed for Kel and her husband as they get ready for baby boy Haeffner! :) some great news is that Kel lives about 40 minutes from me now (not far AT ALL compared to the 3 hours it was when I lived in Omaha). Because I'm so close now I was dying to be at the hospital when Kel went into labor and I was SOOOOO fortunate to be able to do just that! :)

I spent the majority of yesterday at Lawrence Memorial Hospital with the Harris and Haeffner clan awaiting the arrival of that sweet baby boy! :) After a day of food runs, birthing balls, contractions, horrible contractions, drugs, jokes, baby mama movies, lots of cups of crushed ice and a whole lot of patience my best friend Kelli and her wonderful husband Zach welcome Harrison John Haeffner into the world! :) And He is gorgeous and perfect and sweet. Such a miracle. I literally couldnt hold back my emotions when I watched Kelli take Harrison into her arms for the first time and watch her as she transformed from Kelli to Mommy.

It was as if she has loved him and known him her whole life.

I spent some of today back at the hospital where all us girls got to get a "friendship picture" with Harrison! (so glad to welcome you to our group handsome boy.. you're a great addition!)

Okay okay.. your probably dying to see him huh? Here he is :

Kel,

Thanks so much for letting me be apart of such a HUGE event in your life. I'm so proud of you and already amazed at the mother you are. :) Harrison is so lucky! I Love you so much.

Harrison, I cant wait to watch you grow up. You are so loved. What a miracle you are. Such a precious little boy. Cannot wait to love on you!

cooking and ellen.

Hey guys :) So I finally bit the bullet and got internet... therefore you can be expecting more blogs!!! (for those of you that like them anyways!)

Life is really good, I'm getting used to living in Kansas and meeting new people... the first couple months were a little more difficult than I expected but I'm happy to say I love my job, I love my church, I love my apartment and I'm making some great friends :). Its all good in the hood.

In bigger and better news I start hair school in about a month. Life is about to get very busy for this slow girl. Let me just tell you something about myself.. I'm not a "go'er" I'm not one to pack my schedule full and "go go go". I'm a "sitter". I'm a reader (no, really.... I am! Thanks to Tenisha). But starting August I will be working 7am-4pm and in class from 515-915pm. As well as classes on Saturdays! Thank goodness I wont have class or work on Fridays! :) I'm dreading the schedule but super excited to learn all the ups and downs of..... beauty. Free hair cuts, highlights, waxing, manis and pedis if you let me practice on you! :)

Also, I have been cooking more.. (another thanks to Tenisha... what would i do without her?) Here are a couple of the delish dishes....

this right here is a corn basil pizza. so stinkin' good.. its making my mouth water right now!

Those babies right there are a sausage/pear/feta cheese pizza.. yep, you heard me right.

And a corn/basil pizza.

DELCIOUS. So stinking good. I made them for my family the last time I was in town and I think they dug it. I for sure did. I'll make them again soon... probably next week. thanks nish.

There's one more thing.

So. today. when the children were sleeping, the dishes were done and the beds were made I settled onto the couch with ipad in hand and started browsing facebook... it was about 245..

My thoughts were as follows..

"ugh, 15 minutes to kill...."

I assume you know what I was talking about.. Ellen.

Gosh, I love her. Brightens my day.

So.. while i waited the eternity of 15 minutes to get up off 'da couch and dance (pretending that i'm in the audience) with ma girl Ellen, I decided to youtube her funniest moments...

I came across her "bathroom concerts" the one with Jennifer Hudson is HILARIOUS. check it out.. it will make you laugh, I dont care who you are.

She is still my number one on the good ol' bucket list.

** have you guys emailed her yet telling her how badly she needs to meet me because she would want to be my friend? *** no? well... do it. :) (seriously).

Now I shall go take a long shower and get into my comfy bed and sleep a solid 8. later gators. :)