1 in 8

 From the time I could play doll I wanted to be a mom.  A wife and a mom.  I was the Barbie that got married and had a baby the next.   I never dreamt of having a career or being in any other field other than a mom.  Being a wife and having babies - It’s all I’ve ever wanted.

  So, you can imagine my excitement when I met, dated, got engaged and married the good looking, absolute GEM Of a man, Jake Johnson.  I was thrilled to be a wife and so excited to start a family.  I was ecstatic when I got a positive pregnancy test after one month - everything was going according to plan - but sadly that pregnancy ended as quickly as it was discovered.   I was pretty shattered but thought it wouldn’t take long for another pregnancy and I wanted to move forward but month after month after  month it was negative.  

Infertility.  I thought I was exempt from it because of the ‘child bearing’ hips and high fertility that ran through my family.   Yet, here I was... newlywed, 6 months into trying and no baby.  I itched to get to the fertility specialist.  I saw my ob and he assured me it would happen if I relaxed and instructed us to try a full year, after that he would recommend us to a fertility specialist.   

Time feels like a ticking time bomb when your trying to concieve.   Every month feels like a failure, it kind of ruins everything.  I was grieving, depressed, unhealthy, anxious, defeated.  You name it.  This was my biggest fear.  After a year we went to the specialist.  After a bunch of tests, blood work, ultrasounds and money we were given our results.  It was right before Christmas.  

 2% chance of natural pregnancy.  

2.   

And the issue is not Jake.  The issue is me.  Our best bet is ivf.  Merry Christmas.

     I hid away and cried for... what felt like a long time.  I didn’t want to be apart of this group.  I certainly didn’t want anyone to know.   After a couple weeks we decided to start ivf.   I went in for my baseline ultrasound in February to begin and got the worst case of nerves I’ve ever had, I knew I needed a second opinion so we cancelled our round and took three months off infertility stuff and waited on an appointment At a different clinic for a second opinion.   I prayed over and over God would heal my body in those months and this whole thing would just be a false alarm - but, as expected - our results remained the same.  My peace however, was very different    I felt immediately that we found the place that would help us in our dream of a family.  

After a lot of praying we decided to start ivf.   We have our ivf class in two weeks and we are hopeful to start a may ivf round.   Over and over God has shown himself in ways I have never experienced. 

     This isn’t the story I wanted, this isn’t how I wanted to bring babies into the world, but this is my reality.   And I want it to also be my testimony.  God is faithful and unchanging.  His grace is sufficient in times of need.  I’m amazed by His goodness in the midst of a lot of bad.  I know I can trust Him.   We would appreciate all of the prayers as we start down the journey of ivf and as we share our journey.   

When it all falls apart.

I never thought I would write on here again, especially over the last 2 years, life has been too messy to write about.  Where do I even begin?  How do I even catch up?  Then I decided to use it as therapy and that means I make the rules ha.  So while I‘m happy to entertain a bit-  this ones for me.  

February 2019.    Her cancer is back.  I’m in Olathe working and my boyfriend at the time is over. It’s Monday.  We are supposed to have small group but I get a phone call that moms cancer is back and it’s bad so I stay home.  I sob in bed.  My best friend and her husband come by, Jake doesn’t leave my side.  Something feels scary.  Unknown.  I’m terrified and confused.  I call work and ask for the day off to get to Omaha to see her.  Leah (boss) was amazing.  Offered to give me the full week but I didn’t think it was necessary.  I would go see mom for a day, spend the night, go back to kc to work and then come back to Omaha Friday for the weekend.  We were told she would start chemo but would go home Friday.  The future was scary but there was a plan in place.   I remember sitting in bed that night after hearing the cancer was back.   I feared everything. Things I shouldn’t have feared yet.  Cancer wasn’t acceptable and I couldn’t accept it.  cancer - again?  She beat it once but can she do it again?  She hasn’t felt well in months.  Is this all It? How did her dr not find it?  Worst dr ever.   She was in the drs constantly.  Enlarged heart - low iron, the flu... but never cancer.   Finally a trip to the er exposes cancer - everywhere?  My mind couldn’t accept it. 

I drove in the snow to get to her the next day, once I got there she was in a procedure so she wasn’t in the room when I got there.   I don’t know how long I was there.  I know I went into her bathroom and threw up (not sure anyone knows that ha).  Being back in a hospital for her made me sick to my stomach.   I remember them wheeling her in on her bed.  She saw me and smiled very faintly - she was exhausted.  But she saw me. 

  ‘Brookey, you’re here! Oh you didn’t have to come sis’. 

I hugged her.  I cried.  I sat.  The rest of the day is a blur. I can’t tell her what we did all day but I can tell you how my last night with my mama went.  

Everyone had left and she wanted to shower so

I offered to help her.  I washed her hair that had turned so

Gray but beautiful.   I scrubbed and massaged her head and helped her wash up.   I was dating Jake and she asked a lot of questions.   Unfortunately we talked a lot of small Talk, she was so tired.   I got her dressed and into her pajamas and a blew dried her hair and brushed it.  Helped her get into bed and put lotion on her feet and socks over. 

 She told me she loved me.  I didn’t know it was the last time.  I kissed her forehead - I didn’t know it was the last time.   

I hugged her and breathed her in, I didn’t know it was the last time.  

‘Sis, I’m going home Friday and I want you to come back Friday and bring Jake and I want to spend the weekend together’

    

                ‘Okay mama’

   

We hugged and said goodbye.  I didn’t know it would be the last.  There were other memories that are a blur.  I bought baby clothes she hated lol.  We sang worship around her.  I danced.  She talked about Jake loving the crazy sides of me.  She looked at dad a lot.  She slept.  She told

Me she didn’t think this cancer would kill her.  There are bits and pieces jumbled in my mind about that day.  But the thing that sticks out the most is how I had no idea it was ‘the last’.  Oh the things I would have said instead.  I would have crawled into her bed and wrapped Myself in my mama if I had known.    Her hair was more gray than I had seen it. Her room felt huge.  She had her bible and devotional by her bed. She was beautiful.   As I continue to write about my grief I’ll talk about the day she left us and the roller

Coasts of emotion I’ve been on since then - but today I’m

Just getting my feet wet.  I’m hopeful that writing this out will help me process my grief and possibly walk along people going thru the same thing.  

What I wouldn’t give to be in her arms, to know she was coming to visit, to FaceTime her or even to be back in the room with her - just one last time.   

Where two or more are gathered.

So, I was raised in a Christian home.  I can't remember a time in my life where we didn't pray before our meals.  We even have a family prayer... Yeah, you heard me right.  A family prayer!  Is that normal?  I have often wondered if its normal.   So do me a favor and if you have a family prayer then commen and tell me... Seriously :) I'm curious.
      Anyways... We have a family prayer... That's started with I thiiiink my great grandparents.  I could be wrong about that.  But we say it before meals.  Growing up it was the norm for us kids.  However it did make inviting a friend over for dinner slightly awkward, ha.  This is how it goes:
Ahhhheeeemmm.....
 
     Dear lord, we thank thee for our care, the food we eat and the clothes we wear.  Be present with us everywhere.  Amen.

    That's it.  Simple, easy, to the point. I like it.  Anyways, allll of that to say this.  I grew up praying. Prayers have been a part of my everyday.  My moms prayers are comforting and nurturing. My dads prayers are powerful and honest.  I always loved hearing them pray.  When I was a child they calmed me down before bed and mad sit easier to fall asleep in spite of this e monsters under my bed... :). As a teenager they kept me rooted when my heart wanted to rebel, I know y'all think I'm perfect but I had some rebellion in the day. :). And as an adult the prayers of my parents is something I seek, I ask for when times are hard.  They are something I rely on.

    Y'all know I'm living with my grandparents right now and taking care of them.  They are 89 and 90 years old.  Grandpa was in a car accident in August where he broke his neck and since then they have just needed a little extra help.  That help has come from their eight children for the last six months (which by itself is incredible... God has blessed me with such wonderful aunts and uncles).  But now they need the help of someone else so I volunteered.  I didn't feel pressured or obligated at all.  I didn't feel pushed in a corner .  I didn't do it to look good, to please my parents or any other reason other than I genuinely love them.  And selfishly, I have missed them.  I grew up down the street from them and have missed them while they have lived in Tennessee for the last 5 years.  I have enough memories of them to write a book.  I adore them.  They are simply the best people.  And they, as I mentioned in a previous blog, are my heritage.   I find it only necessary, as well as the biggest honor of my life so far, to be here with them.  Honestly, truly, from my heart.  I'm honored.


       Living with them I have been able to pray with them.  Stinking' unreal.  These people don't pray like normal people.  They don't wait till dinner time and close there eyes and say a prayer... They speak to The Lord constantly thru the day.  They call out his name.  They truly live in relationship with their God.  It's inspiring.  I have a monitor in my room so in case they need me they can just speak into the monitor and it wakes me up.

I have something to admit.     ------        I love that monitor.

   I love the songs  that come thru that monitor.  This is my favorite right now,,, sing along if you know it.

And I thank god for the lighthouse,  I owe my life to Him, for Jesus is the lighthouse, and from the rocks of sin, He as shown a light around me that I could clearly see.  If it wasn't for at lighthouse, where would my ship be?

Or the song that will forever remind me of my grandpa:

I'd rather have Jesus, then silver or gold,
I'd rather have Him then have riches untold.
I'd rather have Jesus then houses or land,
I'd rather be led by His nail pierced hands.

   And to hear them pray.  It's beautiful.

  Ill roll over in the middle of the night and possibly hear my grandpa rolling over at the same time.  He has been so sick recently and in so much pain.  Can I tell you that he has never once complained? Never once been a bad mood, never told me to stop talking to him (even though I'm sure he's been tempted). But instead I can just hear that aged, farmer boy, hard working voice call out 'Jesus, oh Jesus... Jesus......'


       I'm not sure which has rocked my world more this last week, hearing them pray or watching them physically live out what they pray.  My grandma is constantly saying 'thank you Jesus... Thankyou Jesus.'  All day long.


    My mom reached out to my grandparents church here in tn to see if some people could come pray for them and anoint them.  A crowd showed up and they did so.  There's a video on my Facebook page of it.  Sweetest thing.  My grandpa has felt so much better.  His heart is better.  He is talking and smiling.  And it's because of prayer.  It's because the gospel really is true.

   Where two or more are gathered in His name.. he will be there.

 I'm so glad.  I'm so thankful for that promise.   Everyday is precious and wonderful with them.  I know I'm supposedly here to help them... But let me tell ya people.  They are helping me.

They are changing my life.

   

Heritage

First of all I want to apologize for the serious blog posts.  I know it's not entirely like me, but I have to say that being here in Tennessee it comes natural to reflect.   My days here are mostly quiet, the house is out in the country with very little around it.  The woods are in the backyard.  It's peaceful.          I'm also spending time with my grandparents who I have been very close to my whole life.  They are getting older and I'm realizing how precious every moment is.  I've been putting in lots of mental book marks trying to remember faces, smiles, laughs and quotes.  So you'll have to bear with me if my posts seem dramatic, emotional, serious, or whatever.....  I've been in kinda a dramatic, emotional, serious (ok, not really that serious) kinda girl.  Love it or leave it people.... But please love it.

     I wanted to talk about heritage....not my dads church... Even though I love that place. (CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?). But the heritage that comes from family.   A few years back my family was here in Tennessee for thanksgiving.  We were having thanksgiving dinner and going around the table saying what we were thankful for and my cousin Doug said he was thankful for his heritage.  The words barely left his mouth before he had to choke back tears.  It was a noticeable mental book mark in my mind because it was obviously so meaningful to him.  A year or so later his mom (my aunt) mentioned the same thing, being thankful for her heritage at my grandparents 70th anniversary.   Our heritage.
 
    I've spent a few days with the centerpiece to my heritage.  Paul and Marge.  A few things have stuck out to me about these two.

   they love each other.  My parents are in love and I have been privileged enough to witness a true, whole hearted, Christ centered love my whole life.... But a couple that Met at 11, married at 18 and are still together 70 years later is a whole new ball game.  They are each others life.  They are best friends.  They are their family.  There is no one in this world that my grandpa loves more.  And same for grams, she loves, worries, trusts, honors, respects and cares for grandpa so much.

    Their bodies are older, their minds are tired at times, but their feet are always planted on that solid rock.  I try to pray with grams every night before she falls asleep.  Man I love praying near that woman.  She talks to The Lord like someone who has been doing it for 90 years.  Her prayers are beautiful.  They are humble, thankful, honest prayers.  She loves The Lord so much.  They play a piano cd every night that plays on repeat as they sleep.  Ill never hear songs like 'id rather have Jesus' or 'the lighthouse' again without thinking of them.

 

       I have spent a lot of time watching my grandpa today, he's not feeling his best today (pray for him?)and I can tell by looking at him that he is processing and thinking... There is a lot going on up in that mind of his.  My whole life I have been intimidated by him.  He is tall, with huge hands and feet.  He is a worker... Always building or fixing something.  He is stoic, quiet, hard to read (if you know my brother brandon, imagine that just bigger and older).  With that said he is also the most warm, sweet, awnery, sarcastic, loving and thankful man you'll ever meet.
      Even with their bodies hurting they are so grateful.  And even more importantly they are trusting. They are trusting The Lord with everything.  They are thankful for their blessings and at 90 years old still desire the lords will for their life.
 
     I gotta tell you that my prayer is to be like that.  To love god like that.  To not even think of an alternative way to live for one second other than fully trusting in the one that created me.

    I want to love and trust god like Paul and I want to love my husband one day like Margie.
 
  I can see my heritage when I look at them.  I'm a fire cracker sometimes like my grandma can sometimes be and  I'm a nurturer like her.  I move my feet when I'm still.... just like my grandpa.  I also can be stubborn like him.  All the things that make me who I am come from my parents and my mom came from them so they have a big role in the person I have become.  I'm proud to be theirs.  Apart of their family and story.

  And.......    I'm so proud of them.

Grandmas :)

       My whole life I have had a fascination with hands.  I have my moms hands but my dads pointer finger.   I have a vein that sticks out over the knuckle of my right pointer finger just like my mom.  i have flat finger nails like my dad.  i bite my nails like my mom. My hands remind me of my parents.  My hands have wiped a bazillion kids nose when they are sick from a cold.  They have played piano for church.  When I was in 6th or 7th grade I held My first boyfriends hand for the very first time during a basketball game.

hands tell a story.  and i love stories.

 Specifically the hands of my grandmother.  When I was a child I used to sit by her side at Sunday evening service and hold her hand.  I would try to memorize every inch.  The way her aged skin laid across the bones, The way her veins would stand up.  I would run my fingers along every road of vein on her left hand.  I would twist and turn rings placed on her fingers.   I have always treasured her.  I have always treasured them.  There has always been something inside me that knew they were exceptionally different.  On Sunday night at church I loved sitting and holding the hand of my grandma.  The maker of apples and caramel, the endless supplier of gum and pretzels,  the fiery-sarcastic-hilarious, always has a Kleenex in her hand, nurturing and sweet GRANDmother.

    I was 9 when these memories took place and here I am nearly 20 years later sitting next to that same woman.  Sitting to her left as if I'm taking my same place I did in church all those years ago.
  My hands are smaller now.  But still the same.  Her nails are perfect as always.   Of possible they have become even more beautiful.  They have lived 90 years.  They have cooked a million meals.  Made christmas divinity.  Washed clothes, cleaned dishes.  They have hugged and nurtured kids and grandkids, great grandkids and great great grandkids.  They have opened and shut a bible.  They have packed boxes for moves and unpacked boxes into homes.  They have quite a story.
 

Guess whose back?!?

I have to admit that over the last year (and some months) I have thought of this.... It would be impossible not to.  I have picked up my computer (now an iPad... Geesh... There's so much to catch up on) and thought of where to begin.  But the thought of a blog has seemed overwhelming because of the variety of topics I've had to cover... A lot has happened people... And I simply couldn't find the time to sit down and write it out.  I apologize.... If we were dating you would have definitely broken up with me by now.  I need to work on consistency..... Noted. :)

    Are we done fighting?........ Okay, good... Love you :)
 
Noooow, where to begin... The last y'all heard from me I was Haiti bound...  Because of your donations and prayers I was able to make an unforgettable, life changing trip.  It was possibly the best experience of my life.  So much stinking fun.  Since there's a lot of ground to cover I might just dedicate a blog down the road to that trip, but for now ill just say It was amazing, challenging and forever changed this American heart. :)
 
 To tell you what happened after Haiti in any kind of detail would be a task for me and boring for you.... So ill just say this... Haiti. Then school... Lots of it. 6 month leave from school.  Working full time.  Big blizzard in which I was snowed in with nothing in my pantry but a box of saltines.  New car (Josie)... She's amazing and will be getting a blog entry of her very own soooooon. Vacation in Michigan with the deans. Worship at grace. Lots of random and fun photo shoots.  A boys2men concert (uhhhhh. Yeah, it was as amazing as you would assume).   A Taylor swift concert. my best friend had a baby... mankato, also probably going to get his own blog soon..... hes perfect. a random offer to move to Illinois for the summer.  A trip to Florida to see the lynch fam.  Moving to Illinois. Graduating from school.  Becoming a  Professional sandwich maker.   Annnnnd here we are.

     Yep, I'm living in peoria Illinois right now.  With the dean family.  It has been an awesome summer full of learning experiences.  They are just the best.  After living on my own for 2 years (can u believe it was two years?!?  Me neither) i really wanted a family and the deans gave me that.  There's no price on coming home to a happy face of a little girl running to you screaming buppy (that's my name around here).  They gave me a home.... And that's priceless... The picnics, family dinners, movie nights, road trips, slumber parties, games of candy land and birthday parties..ugh, it healed me people.

    Ever felt like u needed picked up?  Like life didn't just hand u lemons... But u felt like life was pelting lemons at you?!  Ever felt completely misdirected?!  No?!  Fine.  Me neither. :)
    I was feeling a little broken... Which happens... This ain't no perfect life, boys and girls. And sometimes we (I'm assuming I'm not alone here) can feel totally lost and unsure of what to do next.  Being a grown up is kinda hard.... Oh yeah, and I had another birthday in which I turned..... Wait for it.... 27 (let's not talk about it).
 
     All that mumbo jumbo to say that every time I have felt lost, confused, misdirected, unsure there's one thing that never fails..... Starbucks.   Kidding, that was stupid.

     In all seriousness I have continued to be blown away by the faithfulness of my God.  It makes me cry to even write about it.   Soooooo faithful y'all, it's crazy.  It hasn't mattered what has happened over the last two years (and as u can see a lot has happened).  It doesn't matter how financially, mentally, relationally confused or frustrated or stressed I am, I have woken up every morning knowing that I know that I know that I KNOW that He is faithful,  his mercies are always new.  And that He is behind me and goes before me.  His love for me is strong, seeing past my mess and loving me where I am.  Breathing strength into my life and causing my heart to fall more and more in love with Him.  He is such a good God.  Although at times I throw a pity party and convince myself that I'm really being put thru the ringer I'm quickly reminded that I have no battles to fight.  Every battle has been fought on my account.  I'm victorious.  And because of that amazing truth I can continue to walk thru this life with all its amazing and exciting changes, with all its growth spurts and challenges and all the huge events that are still in my future.

  I'm looking to move back to Kansas City soon and applying for jobs... Life is going to continue to change and transition is going to happen yet again but can I just say for the record that my heart has changed.   For the first time in my life I know I'm not alone.

 And I'm convinced now more than ever that the best is yet to come!
   (Ill make sure to blog about it)
     

HAITI :)

Hey Friends,

Geesh, I haven't posted on here in ages. Just plain ridiculous! In my defense I have been more busy then ever before in my entire existance. I work then go to school then go to bed... 6 hours later (or more if Im lucky) I wake up and the cycle repeats itself. I even have class on Saturdays so Sunday is LITERALLY my only day of rest. Needless to say I'm exhausted all the time. But life is good. Work is amazing, those kiddos literally cannot get any cuter. And school is so fun. I love every part of my days right now (except for the lack of time to do anything). All in All i cant complain. :) I found myself with sometime tonight though and have been wanting to write this specific blog for a long time. As some of you who read this already know I am embarking on a huge adventure. I'm going to Haiti. Yup.. me. The girl who has never even been to Mexico. Want to hear the story? Its an amazing one..... okay. here it goes..

If you read this blog at all then I'm sure you know that I have a little love of my life named Josh. Who is adopted from Korea. In about a week josh will turn 4, which seems unreal. I can still remember standing in the airport as a woman walked down the terminal with a ball of 10 month old, black bowl-cut haired, chubby cheeks Korean love! I'm not sure if I will even love my neices and nephews as much as I love that kid. He is amazing. And watching his parents go through the adoption process was amazing. I think God spoke to my heart in more ways through that experience than in any other experience I have ever had. Since then I have had such a heart for the orphans, or for any child in need of a loving family... both literal and metaphorically speaking. The literal orphans of the world and the people who have strayed away from the heavenly father. I have thought and wanted to go on a missions trip for YEARS but was never given an opportunity really. Until this November.

I have been attending Grace Community Church of the Nazarene in Spring Hill since I moved here and I love it. Its such a great group of people. The Pastor and his family are amazing, the worship is heart-felt. I just love it. In November they announced that they would be taking a missions trip to Haiti at the end of May and IMMEDIATELY i felt like the Lord was tugging at my heart.. it was almost like he was whispering.. "this is it Brooke...." I have to admit that I hesitated... I started to immediately think of excuses... have ya ever done that?

"too much money.."

"not enough time..."

"i've never even been camping and you want me to go to Haiti??"

I decided to go to the informational meeting, which is where my hesitation turned into panic. WE got a SMALL glimpse of what life is like for the people of Haiti. The statistics are jaw-dropping. Here are just a few that stuck out to me.

* at least 1/2 of the haitian population lack access to clean water.

* 76% of all Haitians are living on less than 2 dollars a day

* 500,000 children will never attend school

* there are an estimated 80 deaths per 1000 births.

*only 1 in every 5 haitians have access to a sanitary toilet

* 1 in every 5 children wont make it to the age of 30

* the life expectancy is about 60 years old.

I left the meeting that day scared... trying to think about something else... but I couldnt. I thought about it all day... all night, all day at work the next day... then I came home and in the rush of getting ready I felt confirmation louder than ever.

"Brooke, you love Josh. There is a Josh is Haiti. Josh was blessed with a wonderful and loving family but there are kids in Haiti that dont have that. There is a little boy/girl who needs to be ministered to and Loved. I want you to go do that. You have been a nanny for 5 years.. you have wondered why... this is why. I have been equipping you for this trip. This is where you are supposed to go. This is when. I'm calling you. You have to go to Haiti."

It was so clear. More clear than anything I've ever felt in my life. So, i'm going to Haiti :)

We leave May 26th and will be there for about a week. We will be going to Linbe, Haiti where we will be doing a bunch of different projects, including showing the Jesus Film, helping with construction of churches, putting on a vbs for the kids and of course, spending time with those sweet people. Now.. this is where you guys come in..... are you ready?! :)

I need prayer people :). I am excited for the adventure that lies ahead. I feel called and am confident that this is what the Lord wants me to do. But of course there is a bit of fear. Please pray that the Lord will continue to work on my heart and prepare me for this life changing experience. That I would be a vessel. I'm so nervous that it will break my heart to see that kind of devastation so I ask that you would pray for strength. That I would be used and be open to all the things the Lord wants to do through me and speak to my heart about. Please pray for the people of Haiti and that the Lord would also be preparing their hearts for this trip. That there hearts would be open and willing to hear the message we are bringing. And pray for the kids.

I am doing all I can to support myself financially for the trip but if you feel called to help financially then I will leave some information below to help you be able to do that :) (all givings are tax deductible)

EVERYTHING prayer, donation and thought is SOOO appreciated! :) I'm so excited for this and anxious for what God is going to do :) I'm sure thought on Haiti are sure to be following all the posts from now on :)

Isaiah 6:8 “Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, Whom shall I send, and who will go for us? Then said I, Here am I; send me.”

Mail all money donations by check to:

Grace Community Church of the Nazarene

19300 S. Highway 169

Spring Hill, KS 66083

*all checks made out to Grace Community Church with "Brooke Cluff Haiti Trip in the memo line*